YurtTrash

Dear In-Laws,
Just wanted to do a quick summary of our meeting last night.

*You will consult with June McCall to verify the state of the local real estate market. We all agreed that to sell the Blueberry property right now would result in a loss for all parties involved. A unilateral decision was made that Chris and I would resume mortgage payments and we would wait for the market to improve.

*Chris and I will resume paying the mortgage as of May 08. I would like to propose that we pay you $2000/month to go toward paying off our loans to you. With this money you can pay the mortgage and still use the mortgage payments on YOUR taxes. By my calculations we could finish paying off all our debt to you Jan 09. I think that it is vital that this debt is repaid ASAP for everyone involved. At the point that the debt is paid in full, we will continue paying the mortgage as a write-off for our taxes.

*Chris will contact Ikea to sort out the part shortage and possibility of returning the countertops.

*Chris and I will finish the 2nd bathroom and kitchen remodels, interior & exterior painting, and general maintenance of the property. This will ensure that when the market improves, we will be ready to sell the house.

*You have hired someone to do a spring clean-up, as well as apply fertilizer and grass seeds for Summer 08. I understand that the cost of the lawn maintenance for the previous years was high and that money is tight. As was offered the previous years, Chris and I are willing and able to do this ourselves in order to get a greater return on our investment. Please let us know what EXACTLY is expected of us, in order to prevent future misunderstandings.

*It is our understanding that our responsibilities in regards to the lawn is watering and mowing.

*Let us be extremely clear…Under no circumstance is anyone to apply pesticides or herbicides to the lawn while we are living here. There is absolutely no good reason to dump more toxins into our water source!

Thank you,
Chris and Kari

I sit here contemplating time and space…searching for meaning. I have reclaimed this time and space for thought…putting pencil to paper. I reflect on this writing therapy that I have come to love. In the back of my mind, I wonder if it’s just another drug distracting me from the daily grind. Of course, there is ALWAYS tons to do and never enough time. I feel frantic, much like a fowl missing it’s head due to a very sharp axe. I struggle with “waste of time” , and what IS truly wasted. OH, let me count the ways! Have I found just another diversion or is it much needed clarity within these pages. What does it mean to release my thoughts, my spirit to the world. I believe the impact of this simple act, upon me the writer and you the reader, is truly immeasurable. That is, I have yet to discover an appropriate unit of measurement for thought.

Throughout my blogs, I have released bite-sized chunks of my soul to fly around the world reaching people I may never know. Maybe someone else is struggling with direction and finds comfort in not being alone. I hope there is a spark lighting your own passion, as I journey towards mine. I may never know the importance of telling this tale, but I still believe it to be true. I must rely on my faith, through this cold, dark winter, that spring will come and these seeds WILL sprout. I know you have found your way to this single page, and that may be the most important thing that happens today. What is it that you wish to become, and do you still believe that it is possible?

My focus continues on the little things and how they have enormous impact. I trudge through my cabinets, sorting the precise from the useless. It’s hard to know what the future will require, so it’s all a game of chance. I’m starting to understand that it is ALL precise and useless. This does NOT make my job any easier. As I explore, all I seem to find is more questions to answers I haven’t asked yet. I remind myself about the importance of mindfulness. I take a deep breath and discover some peace within this relentless task. I find beauty all around simply because I stop to notice. It’s a practice and a choice each day.

As a child, one of my most comforting havens was on our porch swing, wrapped in a blanket, absorbing a thunderstorm. They were always thick with Thunder and spectacular bolts of Lightning. The heavy down pour would leave me with a “washed clean” feeling…as if all the cobwebs had been swept away. Can you find the calm within a storm? I had friends who were terrified of storms; they became paralyzed with fear, trapped under their covers for hours. I just felt free. Storms remind me that stillness can be very empowering.

This blog is my way of finding that stillness within the storm of my life. I write to bring awareness to myself, as well as you. We ALL have choices. Yet, we often reject this…feeling trapped in the maze we have created for ourselves. We ALWAYS have choices…be inspired to give up the illusions, to accept the beauty within ourselves and others, and most importantly to welcome the power, which resides within, to change what we see as broken. .

I like vegetables, which might be explained by my fond memories of eating snow peas straight out of my mother’s garden. They were sweet and crisp and what fun it is to see a plant become food…I realize that somethings have always been. As I walk through the Super Food Plus and wonder what’s so “super” about this new way of feeding ourselves, I let out a deep sigh and long for days of old. We all just accept or even welcome the packaging of these “food-like substances” as our saviour. Mothers, from coast to coast, fall prey to the “high in calcium”, dye injected, plastic-like food that is easy to prepare but difficult to digest. The cartoon character on the box is all that seems to matter these days. We don’t stop to connect the dots between the weekly visits to the pediatrician and the food on our tables. Blame the manufacturers, the marketeers, the executives or even the grocers themselves, but THEY are not responsible for our health, for our well being. Yes, I AM talking about more than just excess calories; it’s empty calories! Just because it’s on the shelves does not mean that we MUST buy it…come on, let’s show some restraint. Of course, I am talking to myself as well as you!

I find it impossible to pinpoint what is truly healthy as I walk down these aisles. I read ingredients, but that often requires a magnifying glass and some sort of degree in nutrition. There’s an internal struggle between my love for whole food and a busy schedule, which compels me to buy “quick” food just to make it through the week. I feel stuck in the middle of knowing what I should do and not being able to do it. Falling short only tugs on my already tattered spirit. I believe in organic food. I also believe in local food. My wallet gasps at the price of both of these, so I do the best my conscious will allow. I dream of the day that all my food is grown or raised within a 30 mile radius…Dreaming is what gets me through the day! If one cuts meat out of a few meals per week, they have a greater impact on our oil dependence than buying a hybrid…A fun and nauseating fact I feel required to include. Natural gas is used to produce fertilizers that are used to grow the feed, and energy is also consumed to process and transport this beloved meat. For the record, I do eat meat, but that’s a topic for another day.

There are so many things to think about when buying food, that usually all I am able to do is focus on which brand is on sale this week. I will sometimes look for the origin of a product, but there is little information in regards to how many miles or gallons of gas it took to get this jar of peanut butter to my local store. Since nearly everything is packaged in plastic, shouldn’t we know how much petroleum was consumed to produce this pretty little package that creates an impulse to choice this rice over the other 50 varieties. Is it too much to ask for the TRUE cost of the food I have to choose from?…Does this matter to you?

We have too many choices, which leads to “Store Daze”. I wonder around with my two kids in tow, trying to stay clear of the danger zones. As if the rows of brightly colored packages of sugar-coated sugar wasn’t bad enough, there is now a toy aisle! I can’t seem to make a trip to the grocery store without a, “No, We are NOT buying candy!”. It seems that where some think “More is Better”, I find it wasteful and exhausting of time and resources. For instance, why are there 30 check-out stands, when only 5 are ever used?

Whole food is WHOLE nourishment, which is essential to our starving world. It’s more than WHAT we put into our mouths, but the pathway of the food to our tables. Food absorbs the energy used to produce it, to move it and to prepare it. We still have the all-mightly power of purchase. If we do not buy it, they will not produce it. I encourage you to use your power wisely, as I will work to do the same.

P.S. I strongly suggest checking out sustainabletable.org for more information on food and energy.

I have spent a good part of my life looking through other people’s eyes searching for answers. What’s right? What’s wrong?..I begged them to tell me. At some point I began trusting in my own eyes. This didn’t happen over night and honestly I still waiver from time to time. Yet it still infuriates me when someone says, “Well, look at it from my perspective” in an attempt to make me “see the truth”. Little do they know I just got back from “their perspective”, and well, I’m glad I don’t live there. Actually, I have no problem with their view, but should it change how I see things? In fear of disappointment, I am quite relieved I do NOT see my life and my choices through other’s eyes. My focus is often on the people in my life as opposed to the dirty dishes in the sink. Damn those dishes that keep getting themselves dirty and expecting me to wash them. I find it very easy to get distracted by the little things in life, and well, as it should be. It’s these small details that are usually the most important.

I think how terribly boring and tragic it would be if we all saw the same thing… or for that matter believed the same thing. The reason we all have our OWN eyes and don’t just share a set of cosmic eyes is so we can have different points of view. These multiple views create layers of truth. It is within these truths I now search for answers. Such a fine line between listening to other perspectives and compromising yourself. It becomes too easy to think that our unique view is somehow superior to anyone else’s. On this one point, I am sure My view is useless without YOURS!

Being arrogant…what does it say about a person? What is ego anyway? A player on a stage merely acting out the script in front of them. Can you see the inner god of a person that is arrogant? I am no better than you, and no worse. I am just trying to be conscious of my contribution, of OUR footprint upon this land. Don’t be fooled; We DO walk together.

Inspire not alienate…my mantra these days. I want to bridge the gap between the established norm and consciousness. It starts with a conversation, a question, an idea. A seed is a thought or vise versa. It takes time, attention and nature to turn a seed into a tree of consciousness. I want to arouse people to think about where their food comes from…What happens to all those plastic bags once the trash man picks them up?…Why is the United States the only country that allows Rx drug ads on television?…Are we free, and if so from what? The food doesn’t start at the store and the trash does NOT just go away. So, what are we to do?

What happens when an average American family turns green? Is it even possible to go pollution-free within a world of technology? What happens when the kids lose what they have grown attached to such as the big tv, the dvd player, mounds of toys, their own bedroom, beds, yard and the beloved easy access computers? Is more better or will they simply be excited about the adventure. What will they have instead? What will their friends say? What will the school say? Will the fact that we have kids limit our ability to go off the grid? How do you talk to your child about a move of this sort?

So, I have all these questions that I wish someone would just answer for me, but what’s the fun in that. I am certain that if it’s not this it would be that, and I pledge to keep moving even if it’s in circles. Some days it’s just like that…more questions than answers.

As I pack and sort, I know I’ve been here before. I wonder how many times it takes to get things right. How many times do we have to hit our heads against this brick wall before we slump to the ground and it’s finally over. It’s been one of those days in which you wonder if any of it really matters. I let go of all that surrounds me and accept that if I am meant to have any of it, it will return. My heart breaks as I watch Chris struggle to claim his self worth. How many times can we be put down coated with sweet words before we break and fight back? Motivation escapes me in this time of tremendous need. This is certainly induced by dissatisfaction with the way of the world. I want to scream, but no sound comes out. Stuck in a battle without any winners, I watch the field drenched with blood that will never be completely washed away. It will reside in the soil, a record of this fight. Still much tells me none of this matters, so I push on. I simply breathe and listen as best I can.

Today e-mails were exchanged yet I doubt anyone was really heard. Different perspectives that will never meet in the middle for there is no middle ground. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people surrounding me as I stand in front of the firing squad. Their aim is not at me, but what I stand up for. The belief that I carry is too powerful for them to accept. I forgive. We all do the very best we can with the script that lay before us.

I have started walking. I have never liked walking, which even I find an absurd character flaw. I don’t know what happened, but I found myself going out of my way to walk. Sometimes I would go alone and other times arrange to meet up with friends. I would walk in the morning, evening and sometimes both. I bought 10 lb weights for each ankle that pull me snugly towards the ground. A week of this ritual passes and the soreness subsides, leaving me with a comforting blanket of strength. It is as though I am obsessed by movement and must create as much as I can each day. Am I preparing for a great journey that will require vast energy reserves? This has all happened without much thought or struggle. I implore you to reclaim your time for it is your greatest resource for days to come.

There has been so much focus on being aware and connected. I feel that I have tapped into something I can’t even begin to explain or understand. Such power seems to surround me and I am heavily invested in creating all that can be. Today is the time I’ve been searching for. A place to explore and get excited about. The struggle is mixed in with the pleasure to add depth and understanding of the precise gifts I am to receive. This is not me, only what I have allowed to transcend and evolve. I wish only to pass on the beauty of the moment and accept the sludge I must wade through. Oh what a glorious tale.

Some days are harder that others. Chris and I sit down to talk about the logistics of moving into a yurt. We have 3 weeks to finish remodeling the house where we are currently living; we need at least 7 weeks. We need money to pay bills. Thankfully Chris has work the next few weeks and has even sold a couple propane drums. We need to pack, pitch and sort through all that we have stored in this 3 bedroom ranch. I’m terrified of the basement. We have rented a Studio for us to use as a “home base” and office through this transition period. I have great visions for this space, and have already started planning a community calendar of events. There is not enough time in the day. And above all we don’t know if we can really live in the yurt that was originally our savior. There are many problems with our plan. Many questions that need answers. From basics such as how do we wash dishes to how do we power our laptops. Are toilets really that important?

Chris needs answers and I can’t deal with problems right now. I want to focus on the possibilities not be dragged down by reality. This is not my reality!! I become defensive and question his desire to go through with our plan. Maybe he doesn’t really want to do this at all. Maybe he wants the extras I’m asking him to give up. I struggle to clear the fog of self doubt, while I acknowledging that Chris’s worries are valid. Can we find solutions to these problems or am I watching my dreams go up in smoke? I crave the absence of electronic hum as well as the servitude of our current life. It is FEAR, but do I fear moving forward or fear falling back into the abyss of this consumerism. I feel my chest tighten and try to focus on deep, slow breaths. It’s like a drug that you’re not sure you can live without. Maybe that’s what I truly fear….my own self control. Chris suggests a longer integration period. I don’t work like that. Just stop consuming and keep walking. Don’t look back, or you’ll regret what you left behind. Maybe you’ll miss the broken chair you always wanted to fix, the pair of shoes that your never got to wear, or even the tv.

Separating trash from treasure that’s the stage we’re at. I hauled 6 large trash bags full of clothes plus a box of dishes to the swap shop this weekend. It doesn’t even feel like I put a dent. I am desperately trying to stay in the present while planing for the future. What do I, we the boys need? Is it more than I want it to be or can adjustments be made? There is so much to absorb and deflect all at the same time! Chris fears by jumping in too fast, we will become frustrated and take it out on one another. Instead of having more time, will there be less. I fear being sucked back in to meaningless rat race. That all being said I am sure of one thing.

I love my husband and am extremely thankful that he is a patient and loving man. We are going to need lots of that! Stretch and breathe. This is my journey. This is my lesson. I will show up, sit at the front of the class and take notes.

I have too many closets. In my opinion most people have too many closets. Now I don’t mean I have empty closets. Actually the opposite is true; they’re overflowing with random stuff. This is an analogy of our so called “modern life”. We need more closet space for all the things that we might need someday. That chafing dish you use every third Christmas when it’s your turn to host the family dinner. Really, I have nothing against the “right tool for the job”, but is it worth the space it takes up in your life? It was only a few years ago that we were given a really nice sofa. We were thrilled because prior to this we used fold-up camping chairs as living room furniture. What a luxury! Please do not misunderstand me. I like new things. I like shiny things. And I really like technology and the opportunity it has to connect the world, more importantly people. I adore having access to people across the globe. All that being said, when is it ever going to be enough. I’m not against the modern world, but why when we have something that works are we driven to make it better. Obsessed to the degree that it sucks so much time and energy that we miss out on the beauty that surrounds us everyday. Beauty that can not be found in your local mall!!
I feel my background gives me a special perspective on this. Growing up the youngest of 4 children, my parents divorced when I was 5 leaving me without any memories of a family together. My dad moved away, as I entered junior high ,to start what is now a very successful business. We all make sacrifices never knowing for sure what we have given up. I remained with my mom, who worked multiple jobs just to pay the bills. As many people I know, I received little to no guidance on how to balance money and happiness. Factoring in that I ALWAYS had to learn things the hard way, there may have been more attempts than my memory will allow. This being said, I truly believe that my family always did the best they could, and I am TRULY grateful for the love and support that I did get. I know many that were not so lucky. I have often been misunderstood by those around me. This certainly laid the foundation for much self exploration and FINALLY discovery of who I truly am. It’s a wonderful thing to be comfortable in one’s beliefs, and yet have faith in the unknown.
My family includes some amazingly intelligent as well as fanatically driven individuals. This in itself is not bad, but we have lost sight of the importance of family and what we could be together if only we took the time to engage one another. Okay, how does this connect with having two many closets and too much stuff in each one. We live in a consumer driven society. Well, actually a MARKETING driven society!! We have allowed big corporations to convince us that what is in our closets is more important that who is in our family. Maybe you don’t see this in yourself, and maybe you have escaped their trap. Congratulations. Move to the head of the class. All I am saying is by taking a good look at your closets one can get a glimpse of what you see as important. Do you have 20 shirts or 200 shirts? What do you really need? You may see me as a minimalist, but I see it as keeping it simple in a world of endless complexity.
Today is a perfect day to reduce my clothes by half! Yes, I figure less clothes less laundry. Stay with me… Do you have a constant pile of clothes that never seems to get washed? I mean you keep doing laundry, but the pile seems to stay the same. Do you have clothes that you don’t really wear, but they keep ending up in the laundry basket. Of course I do have children and they like to “help” with the laundry, but I don’t think that explains it all. I’ll let you know how this works because like everything in life this is an experiment. Stuff does not make one happy, so it’s out with the stuff and in with the happy. I encourage you to search out places to recycle unwanted items. Here on Cape Cod we have “Swap Shops” at our local dumps. This is brilliant. It’s an all in one stop….need crap…need to get rid of crap….come on down it’s FREE.
I am declaring this a year to embrace all that I am. For years I have been lulled into accepting others’ reality as my own. I will stand my ground, and be an example of who, why, when, where, how and of course how much. I am giving myself permission to let go and see where it takes me. I invite you to look at your closets and create some space for what ever you value most. Space is a very powerful and magical thing to bring back into your life.

I am 34 year old, mother of two fiercely independent young boys, wife of a wonderfully supportive man and finding it increasingly hard to live in a world that makes less and less sense. We moved to Cape Cod to invest in a house that would allow us to “get out of debt” and achieve the “American dream” of having our own home. We were desperately trying to build a solid foundation for our future, so we bought into the idea of “you need to spend money to make money”. My advice regarding this is ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCT! You are responsible for your own decisions and YOU must live with them! When you’re young it’s easy to look to others for guidance instead of standing up for what you know is right.

That was 3 years ago and there have been many bumps and bruises along the way. Of course that’s to be expected, but I was not prepared for the endless battles over simple things. In preparation of the eventual sale of the house we had mapped out a remodeling plan, even going so far as to sign a contract between all parties involved. And even though things did not go according to contract, I am still thankful we started out that way. We have had an extremely hard time with the remodeling of this house mostly because of constant disagreements between us and my in-laws, who are also heavily invested in this house. Oh, did I fail to mention we went into this investment with FAMILY! I know better than to mix family, business and money! First we argued about the maintenance of the lawn, than the installation of a whole house fan as opposed to individual ceiling fans in each room and the list goes on and on. Each time something needed to be done, it was an 8 course meal (not literally!) of talking about who, what, when, where, how oh and of course how much. We never agreed with them and they never agreed with us, so it was always 2 against 2 without a tie breaker. With much disappointment, Chris and I finally decided to stop believing that they actually wanted to hear our opinion even though that was what was being said. Oh, and did I mention that Chris is a professional full-service carpenter and has been doing high-end remodels for almost 15 years now. Obviously, he’s still not qualified to pick out a countertop or be trusted with any sort of decision of the sort. If Chris got little recognition, I got even less. After two years of working on the landscaping without any support financially, mentally or physically, “professional” landscapers were brought in by guess who to focus on curb appeal. Oddly enough when I said that the irrigation system was not adequate the first summer, no one listened, but when the “professional” said it 6 months before the property was to be put on the market, well I’m sure you can guess where I’m going with this.

As we prepare to sell our investment, we struggle with so much more than moving boxes. When I look at the past 3 years, it’s not hard for me to look at the events from a multitude of perspectives. And even though I still think we got the short end of the stick, I also think that we were given an opportunity that I’m glad we didn’t turn down. I love were we live, and am thankful for so much. That being said, I am ready for a new direction. One that we make. One that is not based on the decisions and outcomes of our parents and their generation. It is strikingly clear to me that what worked for them, has not and will not work for us. This debt driven society must end. I want more time and less stuff. I want to find a way to be happy without all the things we are told we must own to be happy. So now we are just trying to get out of this house and accept it as a big, fat learning experience. So I guess this blog is going to be about what I have learned and where I hope it will take me. Deep Breath and I’m on my way….