YurtTrash

As I take a deep breath in, I reflect on the past few months. The decision was made to put “the house” on the market THIS FALL. And although we thought it better to wait until next spring, our voices have gone the way of our ideas…unheard or disregarded. So we proceeded to face this daunting task with absolutely no motivation.

We found a house to rent starting August 1st, thankful to have a whole month to get moved and everything cleaned up before Sept 1, which was the date we were given to be out of the house. I can’t stress how COMPLETELY drained Chris and I where at this point. The end was in sight, but it did NOT look pretty. It wasn’t long before we were bombarded with new dates and lists of the who, what, when and of course how much. Know you might think that moving our “need to be out” date up to Aug 15th, would be something that was discussed, but once again what we thought did not matter. The cherry on top was when August 1 came around and the REALTOR called to inform me that herself, a handful of contractors as well as my in-laws where going to be at my house THAT AFTERNOON! What?! Am I the only one that thinks that maybe THE DAY we are trying to move out of a house is not the day people should be meeting at the house to LOOK AT IT! It just seems inappropriate to me. In my mind, I should have gotten a call from my in-laws saying, “Hey, can we take the boys to help you get moved?”, but that didn’t happen. And just for the record I had asked if they could take the boys for a little while to help us move, but they were unable to do that. This was unlike anything I have ever experienced. We were not even given the opportunity to clean up…every deadline they set, they disregarded until we finally said the hell with it…with complete control comes complete responsibility! We were set up to fail because what was expected of us was impossible. All we were left to do was play possum.

There was no communication by either side because we have no common ground. Our beliefs and values are so different that we are all right and wrong ALL at the same time. I do know for sure that in their eyes we were wrong. I must accept this so that I can move on without resentment. I do want to be clear, I’m not accepting their reality as anything, but “their reality”, how they need to see it. I am accepting that nothing we do or say will change the roles they have given us. We will become the kids that they “tried” to help…oh look at all the nice things they did for us…Chris has been called “full of shit” and belittled because he listens to “those conspiracy nut jobs” (this does not even touch on how completely disrespectful they have been regarding his professional recommendations) …and in their reality this all may be true. There comes a time when you understand that if you don’t take every last bit of a situation and digest it…well, let’s just say I did not want to revisit this one if I could help it.

I feel the need to say I love my husband and adore my two beautiful boys. I am truly blessed. Everyone is so much lighter and happier in the new house, and the last few weeks have been spent doing some “us time”. We need less commitments and more time together. We have just spent 3 years with very few (maybe a handful) of days TOGETHER, which is not enough to keep a family healthy. No family time was compounded by us always being on the losing side of every decision. For the first time in my life, I feel as if I have just come out of an abusive relationship. The kind that leaves bruises on the inside, where no one can see. I believe that ALL of Us have something to learn from this situation, but it has been a very painful process. There is so much to lose, but right now I must focus on the gain…our sanity, our health. We have been in battle for the last 3 years, and I am so thankful to be moving into a time of peace and harmony…(we actually moved onto Harmony Lane…no joke!)

We have crossed into a new time and space where we get to look beyond the constraints of the past. I set forth a ritual of letting go of the expectations, the sorrow, the anger, the disappointment. I choose to honor each of these as my teacher, and release them. I bury my broken heart beneath this Hawthorne, so it may be mended and reborn. I do this as a symbol of my openness for the present and future, and the forgiveness of the past. I will sit with this tree and ask for it’s guidance. I will be quiet. I will listen.

We have come here to learn, but are easily distracted by the drama we create. So this is my plan. I am taking this next year to heal and nourish. One year that we get to do what WE want to do. I let go of the fear of making the right decision. It comes from a “knowing” that if you make it yourself it is always the right decision. It may not be easy, but at least you haven’t compromised yourself.
I want this blog to be a reflection of my path. The earth has always called to me. It’s who I am…it’s who I strive to be.

Special thanks to those who have helped us find our way through this rough patch of sea!

Me, Phoenix and Charlie are headed for Washington State, so stay tuned to hear all our exciting adventures:)

What a crazy mess of a day…Phoenix is a bit better, so we spent some time this morning outside. I have sooooo much that needs to be done in the yard it is truly INSANE! It was great to let Charlie run and Phoenix soak up the sun. It’s a rough time when one of your children is sick and the other does not understand what this means. Charlie has spent A LOT of time in his room these past weeks. It’s as if Charlie has taken it upon himself to make up for his brother’s “low energy”. Energy can not be created or destroyed just transfered to the other child.
I also became aware of the new Seesmic wordpress plugin.

What the hell are we doing ALLOWING Disney to build an amusement park in Baghdad!!! Money Money Money, that’s all it is, when are we going to stand up and say NO!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!! If you think making people more like “US” is going to make the world a better place, well, you probably sleep better than I do. But, wait…we are giving the poor Iraqis jobs, and tourism…do some people really believe this shit?! Okay, that was my day so far…

An eco-village is where I want to be. I don’t want to convert people. I just want to live with the peace of knowing that I am doing the best I can. Modeling my vision of the future! Teaching my children how to live in a peaceful way. To be conscious of what we do and say. To do this I must accept that I am not perfect and I slip everyday. Forgiveness and no judgement.

Like so many other people, I struggle with where to begin. On my quest, I have found some great links helping Real people address the Real issues. It’s inspiring to know people ARE out there making a difference! They are consciously trying to find their way in this world. With this in mind, I must direct your attention to WhitScott.com. He asks “Am I sustainable? Are you?”, which is a question we ALL need to ask. I adore the idea of listing ways that we are “Killing the earth/Saving the earth”.

Ways I am killing the earth
• I drive a car.
• I buy food from the Super Market…not so super.
• We burn wood for heat.
• We have 3 computers that are always ON.

Ways I am saving the earth
• I don’t use plastic bags.
• I very rarely buy new clothes.
• I am a recycling NUT.
• Raising consciousness…I sure hope:)
• I grow my own medicines:)

Ways I WILL be saving the earth
• I am joining a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture).
• I am going to start riding my bike to work.
• I WILL Compost!

I watched this GREAT movie about reducing our consumption…WATCH THIS!!

So here are some ways I am going to reduce my consumption by 10%
• Stop buying plastic bottles.
• Capture and use rain water.
• Hang dry our laundry

With all this in mind, I know that the only way we can make a difference is to have the strength to stand up and be counted. I write to be counted as one who gives a shit!

Everyday is a practice. Everyday is another try. Wake up in the morning with excitement for what is ahead of me instead of the dread that surrounds me. To enjoy is the secret. Find love within the smallest crumb. It is magic…all of it.

Just Because:)
The Sustainable Table
Mother Earth News
Eco Child’s Play- Green Parenting

The more I know, the more I know I DON’T know!!

I like vegetables, which might be explained by my fond memories of eating snow peas straight out of my mother’s garden. They were sweet and crisp and what fun it is to see a plant become food…I realize that somethings have always been. As I walk through the Super Food Plus and wonder what’s so “super” about this new way of feeding ourselves, I let out a deep sigh and long for days of old. We all just accept or even welcome the packaging of these “food-like substances” as our saviour. Mothers, from coast to coast, fall prey to the “high in calcium”, dye injected, plastic-like food that is easy to prepare but difficult to digest. The cartoon character on the box is all that seems to matter these days. We don’t stop to connect the dots between the weekly visits to the pediatrician and the food on our tables. Blame the manufacturers, the marketeers, the executives or even the grocers themselves, but THEY are not responsible for our health, for our well being. Yes, I AM talking about more than just excess calories; it’s empty calories! Just because it’s on the shelves does not mean that we MUST buy it…come on, let’s show some restraint. Of course, I am talking to myself as well as you!

I find it impossible to pinpoint what is truly healthy as I walk down these aisles. I read ingredients, but that often requires a magnifying glass and some sort of degree in nutrition. There’s an internal struggle between my love for whole food and a busy schedule, which compels me to buy “quick” food just to make it through the week. I feel stuck in the middle of knowing what I should do and not being able to do it. Falling short only tugs on my already tattered spirit. I believe in organic food. I also believe in local food. My wallet gasps at the price of both of these, so I do the best my conscious will allow. I dream of the day that all my food is grown or raised within a 30 mile radius…Dreaming is what gets me through the day! If one cuts meat out of a few meals per week, they have a greater impact on our oil dependence than buying a hybrid…A fun and nauseating fact I feel required to include. Natural gas is used to produce fertilizers that are used to grow the feed, and energy is also consumed to process and transport this beloved meat. For the record, I do eat meat, but that’s a topic for another day.

There are so many things to think about when buying food, that usually all I am able to do is focus on which brand is on sale this week. I will sometimes look for the origin of a product, but there is little information in regards to how many miles or gallons of gas it took to get this jar of peanut butter to my local store. Since nearly everything is packaged in plastic, shouldn’t we know how much petroleum was consumed to produce this pretty little package that creates an impulse to choice this rice over the other 50 varieties. Is it too much to ask for the TRUE cost of the food I have to choose from?…Does this matter to you?

We have too many choices, which leads to “Store Daze”. I wonder around with my two kids in tow, trying to stay clear of the danger zones. As if the rows of brightly colored packages of sugar-coated sugar wasn’t bad enough, there is now a toy aisle! I can’t seem to make a trip to the grocery store without a, “No, We are NOT buying candy!”. It seems that where some think “More is Better”, I find it wasteful and exhausting of time and resources. For instance, why are there 30 check-out stands, when only 5 are ever used?

Whole food is WHOLE nourishment, which is essential to our starving world. It’s more than WHAT we put into our mouths, but the pathway of the food to our tables. Food absorbs the energy used to produce it, to move it and to prepare it. We still have the all-mightly power of purchase. If we do not buy it, they will not produce it. I encourage you to use your power wisely, as I will work to do the same.

P.S. I strongly suggest checking out sustainabletable.org for more information on food and energy.

Have you ever had a passion that you embraced even before you knew exactly why it was so important? As is often the case with me, I find I know things before I truly understand them….Well, I am a bag lady, that is, I use cloth bags instead of single-use plastic bags. I have always been heavy on the reuse, recycle end of life, so you would think this came easily. In actuality it has taken me years of reprogramming to establish a solid habit of ALWAYS having cloth bags on hand. Well, to be perfectly honest, I STILL forget sometimes, but now I just pile my groceries into the basket or even a box if one’s available. I’ve simply learned that I can JUST SAY NO to plastic bags!

With a mind for science and math, I started college majoring in engineering, but my soul quickly pulled me toward my true passion. The result was a bachelor’s degree in Environmental Sciences from the School of Natural Resources. Looking at me today you may say well of course, but I was much more a conservative in appearance and action back then. I actually thought Reagan was a good president…yah we all make mistakes! Of course my mom would remind me, as moms should, that I was always picking up trash along the way, and producing hysterical rants whenever litter crossed my path. As I look back I realize that I was always an activist, it just took me a while to find my voice. So now that I’m a parent, I find that it’s even more important to simply do my part and BE MINDFUL. I believe that everyone must find their own motivation for change.

Let’s start with some history and facts. Single-use plastic bags were introduce in the late 1970’s. Thank god for the brilliant marketeer that sold us the idea to use disposable bags for EVERYTHING. Baahh Baahh, this grass is great! Of course not so great if you are a sea or land animal that mistakes a plastic bag for food and DIES. Now wait a minute let’s assume ALL plastic bags make it into landfills. For 1,000 year these plastic bags continue to break down, contaminating both water and soil. After soaking up any other toxins in these landfills, little bits of plastic bag can then be consumed by some unfortunate animal. Of course our convenience is more important than a stupid animal, I mean, we are man, right?. This makes me wonder…what do plastic bags cost, and of course I mean the TRUE cost? I started by doing a google search on “cost of plastic bags”, which I highly recommend because God knows I won’t find everything that’s out there. Be curious…start there. One more suggestion ALWAYS remember to ask “where is the money?”. So I started at the top…reusablebags.com. Lots of facts on consumption, which were so appalling I thought I might have to go throw up. The United States alone consumes 100 BILLION plastic shopping bags annually, which is approximately 4 MILLION dollars spent by retailers. There is between 500 BILLION and 1 TRILLION plastic bag consumed each year throughout the world. My head can’t even fathom these numbers, let alone imagine the impact we could have if we simply stopped producing these bags. Of course people would lose their jobs, and business would go out of business, but wouldn’t it be worth it. The US plastic industry says NO, and they are fighting like hell to avoid the legislation that is sweeping the globe. In 2002 Ireland started charging a tax for every plastic bag used by consumers and used the money to fund environmental clean up. Nearly immediately Ireland’s consumption went down by 90%. The result was 1 BILLION fewer bags used each year. Money motivates people!!
Here in the United States we are VERY set in our ways of disposibility. We also have VERY powerful companies that have a lot to lose if we follow the rest of the world with a plastic bag tax or the like. We are talking money. We are ALWAYS talking money.

Remember NOTHING is ever free! I hope you are wondering how this all effects the money in YOUR wallet? It does, but you have been convinced that these terribly convenient bags are FREE. Stop to think about a company giving away something for free. THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN! For a long time I felt good about simply taking my used bags back to the store to be recycled, until they stopped taking them back. So I wondered why it’s so hard to recycle these single-use plastic bags. Well, it costs $4000 to recycle one ton of these plastic bags. At which point they can sell this recycled material for a whopping $32. There is absolutely no motivation for companies to recycle these bags. The making of these bags supports our dependence on oil and in this day and age that alone should require people to care. Whatever the reason that tugs at your soul, be empowered to do something. Okay, I don’t want to portray myself as a martyr. And just so we’re clear, I STILL find myself accepting a plastic bag from time to time when I’m in a hurry. Sometimes I’m out of the store and look down and curse under my breath because I didn’t even realize they had given me a plastic bag. I also am not judging you if I see you with a cart full of groceries in single-use plastic bags because I know the problem is bigger than you or me. I also know that it starts with you and me. The only answer I see is to STOP USING THEM. If we, the consumers say NO, the bags will not be made. So when someone asks “But what can I do?”, please tell them to BYOB. Bring Your Own Bag! Thank You:)

As I pack and sort, I know I’ve been here before. I wonder how many times it takes to get things right. How many times do we have to hit our heads against this brick wall before we slump to the ground and it’s finally over. It’s been one of those days in which you wonder if any of it really matters. I let go of all that surrounds me and accept that if I am meant to have any of it, it will return. My heart breaks as I watch Chris struggle to claim his self worth. How many times can we be put down coated with sweet words before we break and fight back? Motivation escapes me in this time of tremendous need. This is certainly induced by dissatisfaction with the way of the world. I want to scream, but no sound comes out. Stuck in a battle without any winners, I watch the field drenched with blood that will never be completely washed away. It will reside in the soil, a record of this fight. Still much tells me none of this matters, so I push on. I simply breathe and listen as best I can.

Today e-mails were exchanged yet I doubt anyone was really heard. Different perspectives that will never meet in the middle for there is no middle ground. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people surrounding me as I stand in front of the firing squad. Their aim is not at me, but what I stand up for. The belief that I carry is too powerful for them to accept. I forgive. We all do the very best we can with the script that lay before us.

I have started walking. I have never liked walking, which even I find an absurd character flaw. I don’t know what happened, but I found myself going out of my way to walk. Sometimes I would go alone and other times arrange to meet up with friends. I would walk in the morning, evening and sometimes both. I bought 10 lb weights for each ankle that pull me snugly towards the ground. A week of this ritual passes and the soreness subsides, leaving me with a comforting blanket of strength. It is as though I am obsessed by movement and must create as much as I can each day. Am I preparing for a great journey that will require vast energy reserves? This has all happened without much thought or struggle. I implore you to reclaim your time for it is your greatest resource for days to come.

There has been so much focus on being aware and connected. I feel that I have tapped into something I can’t even begin to explain or understand. Such power seems to surround me and I am heavily invested in creating all that can be. Today is the time I’ve been searching for. A place to explore and get excited about. The struggle is mixed in with the pleasure to add depth and understanding of the precise gifts I am to receive. This is not me, only what I have allowed to transcend and evolve. I wish only to pass on the beauty of the moment and accept the sludge I must wade through. Oh what a glorious tale.