YurtTrash

I sit here contemplating time and space…searching for meaning. I have reclaimed this time and space for thought…putting pencil to paper. I reflect on this writing therapy that I have come to love. In the back of my mind, I wonder if it’s just another drug distracting me from the daily grind. Of course, there is ALWAYS tons to do and never enough time. I feel frantic, much like a fowl missing it’s head due to a very sharp axe. I struggle with “waste of time” , and what IS truly wasted. OH, let me count the ways! Have I found just another diversion or is it much needed clarity within these pages. What does it mean to release my thoughts, my spirit to the world. I believe the impact of this simple act, upon me the writer and you the reader, is truly immeasurable. That is, I have yet to discover an appropriate unit of measurement for thought.

Throughout my blogs, I have released bite-sized chunks of my soul to fly around the world reaching people I may never know. Maybe someone else is struggling with direction and finds comfort in not being alone. I hope there is a spark lighting your own passion, as I journey towards mine. I may never know the importance of telling this tale, but I still believe it to be true. I must rely on my faith, through this cold, dark winter, that spring will come and these seeds WILL sprout. I know you have found your way to this single page, and that may be the most important thing that happens today. What is it that you wish to become, and do you still believe that it is possible?

My focus continues on the little things and how they have enormous impact. I trudge through my cabinets, sorting the precise from the useless. It’s hard to know what the future will require, so it’s all a game of chance. I’m starting to understand that it is ALL precise and useless. This does NOT make my job any easier. As I explore, all I seem to find is more questions to answers I haven’t asked yet. I remind myself about the importance of mindfulness. I take a deep breath and discover some peace within this relentless task. I find beauty all around simply because I stop to notice. It’s a practice and a choice each day.

As a child, one of my most comforting havens was on our porch swing, wrapped in a blanket, absorbing a thunderstorm. They were always thick with Thunder and spectacular bolts of Lightning. The heavy down pour would leave me with a “washed clean” feeling…as if all the cobwebs had been swept away. Can you find the calm within a storm? I had friends who were terrified of storms; they became paralyzed with fear, trapped under their covers for hours. I just felt free. Storms remind me that stillness can be very empowering.

This blog is my way of finding that stillness within the storm of my life. I write to bring awareness to myself, as well as you. We ALL have choices. Yet, we often reject this…feeling trapped in the maze we have created for ourselves. We ALWAYS have choices…be inspired to give up the illusions, to accept the beauty within ourselves and others, and most importantly to welcome the power, which resides within, to change what we see as broken. .

I have spent a good part of my life looking through other people’s eyes searching for answers. What’s right? What’s wrong?..I begged them to tell me. At some point I began trusting in my own eyes. This didn’t happen over night and honestly I still waiver from time to time. Yet it still infuriates me when someone says, “Well, look at it from my perspective” in an attempt to make me “see the truth”. Little do they know I just got back from “their perspective”, and well, I’m glad I don’t live there. Actually, I have no problem with their view, but should it change how I see things? In fear of disappointment, I am quite relieved I do NOT see my life and my choices through other’s eyes. My focus is often on the people in my life as opposed to the dirty dishes in the sink. Damn those dishes that keep getting themselves dirty and expecting me to wash them. I find it very easy to get distracted by the little things in life, and well, as it should be. It’s these small details that are usually the most important.

I think how terribly boring and tragic it would be if we all saw the same thing… or for that matter believed the same thing. The reason we all have our OWN eyes and don’t just share a set of cosmic eyes is so we can have different points of view. These multiple views create layers of truth. It is within these truths I now search for answers. Such a fine line between listening to other perspectives and compromising yourself. It becomes too easy to think that our unique view is somehow superior to anyone else’s. On this one point, I am sure My view is useless without YOURS!

Being arrogant…what does it say about a person? What is ego anyway? A player on a stage merely acting out the script in front of them. Can you see the inner god of a person that is arrogant? I am no better than you, and no worse. I am just trying to be conscious of my contribution, of OUR footprint upon this land. Don’t be fooled; We DO walk together.

Inspire not alienate…my mantra these days. I want to bridge the gap between the established norm and consciousness. It starts with a conversation, a question, an idea. A seed is a thought or vise versa. It takes time, attention and nature to turn a seed into a tree of consciousness. I want to arouse people to think about where their food comes from…What happens to all those plastic bags once the trash man picks them up?…Why is the United States the only country that allows Rx drug ads on television?…Are we free, and if so from what? The food doesn’t start at the store and the trash does NOT just go away. So, what are we to do?

What happens when an average American family turns green? Is it even possible to go pollution-free within a world of technology? What happens when the kids lose what they have grown attached to such as the big tv, the dvd player, mounds of toys, their own bedroom, beds, yard and the beloved easy access computers? Is more better or will they simply be excited about the adventure. What will they have instead? What will their friends say? What will the school say? Will the fact that we have kids limit our ability to go off the grid? How do you talk to your child about a move of this sort?

So, I have all these questions that I wish someone would just answer for me, but what’s the fun in that. I am certain that if it’s not this it would be that, and I pledge to keep moving even if it’s in circles. Some days it’s just like that…more questions than answers.

As I pack and sort, I know I’ve been here before. I wonder how many times it takes to get things right. How many times do we have to hit our heads against this brick wall before we slump to the ground and it’s finally over. It’s been one of those days in which you wonder if any of it really matters. I let go of all that surrounds me and accept that if I am meant to have any of it, it will return. My heart breaks as I watch Chris struggle to claim his self worth. How many times can we be put down coated with sweet words before we break and fight back? Motivation escapes me in this time of tremendous need. This is certainly induced by dissatisfaction with the way of the world. I want to scream, but no sound comes out. Stuck in a battle without any winners, I watch the field drenched with blood that will never be completely washed away. It will reside in the soil, a record of this fight. Still much tells me none of this matters, so I push on. I simply breathe and listen as best I can.

Today e-mails were exchanged yet I doubt anyone was really heard. Different perspectives that will never meet in the middle for there is no middle ground. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people surrounding me as I stand in front of the firing squad. Their aim is not at me, but what I stand up for. The belief that I carry is too powerful for them to accept. I forgive. We all do the very best we can with the script that lay before us.

I have started walking. I have never liked walking, which even I find an absurd character flaw. I don’t know what happened, but I found myself going out of my way to walk. Sometimes I would go alone and other times arrange to meet up with friends. I would walk in the morning, evening and sometimes both. I bought 10 lb weights for each ankle that pull me snugly towards the ground. A week of this ritual passes and the soreness subsides, leaving me with a comforting blanket of strength. It is as though I am obsessed by movement and must create as much as I can each day. Am I preparing for a great journey that will require vast energy reserves? This has all happened without much thought or struggle. I implore you to reclaim your time for it is your greatest resource for days to come.

There has been so much focus on being aware and connected. I feel that I have tapped into something I can’t even begin to explain or understand. Such power seems to surround me and I am heavily invested in creating all that can be. Today is the time I’ve been searching for. A place to explore and get excited about. The struggle is mixed in with the pleasure to add depth and understanding of the precise gifts I am to receive. This is not me, only what I have allowed to transcend and evolve. I wish only to pass on the beauty of the moment and accept the sludge I must wade through. Oh what a glorious tale.

Some days are harder that others. Chris and I sit down to talk about the logistics of moving into a yurt. We have 3 weeks to finish remodeling the house where we are currently living; we need at least 7 weeks. We need money to pay bills. Thankfully Chris has work the next few weeks and has even sold a couple propane drums. We need to pack, pitch and sort through all that we have stored in this 3 bedroom ranch. I’m terrified of the basement. We have rented a Studio for us to use as a “home base” and office through this transition period. I have great visions for this space, and have already started planning a community calendar of events. There is not enough time in the day. And above all we don’t know if we can really live in the yurt that was originally our savior. There are many problems with our plan. Many questions that need answers. From basics such as how do we wash dishes to how do we power our laptops. Are toilets really that important?

Chris needs answers and I can’t deal with problems right now. I want to focus on the possibilities not be dragged down by reality. This is not my reality!! I become defensive and question his desire to go through with our plan. Maybe he doesn’t really want to do this at all. Maybe he wants the extras I’m asking him to give up. I struggle to clear the fog of self doubt, while I acknowledging that Chris’s worries are valid. Can we find solutions to these problems or am I watching my dreams go up in smoke? I crave the absence of electronic hum as well as the servitude of our current life. It is FEAR, but do I fear moving forward or fear falling back into the abyss of this consumerism. I feel my chest tighten and try to focus on deep, slow breaths. It’s like a drug that you’re not sure you can live without. Maybe that’s what I truly fear….my own self control. Chris suggests a longer integration period. I don’t work like that. Just stop consuming and keep walking. Don’t look back, or you’ll regret what you left behind. Maybe you’ll miss the broken chair you always wanted to fix, the pair of shoes that your never got to wear, or even the tv.

Separating trash from treasure that’s the stage we’re at. I hauled 6 large trash bags full of clothes plus a box of dishes to the swap shop this weekend. It doesn’t even feel like I put a dent. I am desperately trying to stay in the present while planing for the future. What do I, we the boys need? Is it more than I want it to be or can adjustments be made? There is so much to absorb and deflect all at the same time! Chris fears by jumping in too fast, we will become frustrated and take it out on one another. Instead of having more time, will there be less. I fear being sucked back in to meaningless rat race. That all being said I am sure of one thing.

I love my husband and am extremely thankful that he is a patient and loving man. We are going to need lots of that! Stretch and breathe. This is my journey. This is my lesson. I will show up, sit at the front of the class and take notes.