YurtTrash

As I take a deep breath in, I reflect on the past few months. The decision was made to put “the house” on the market THIS FALL. And although we thought it better to wait until next spring, our voices have gone the way of our ideas…unheard or disregarded. So we proceeded to face this daunting task with absolutely no motivation.

We found a house to rent starting August 1st, thankful to have a whole month to get moved and everything cleaned up before Sept 1, which was the date we were given to be out of the house. I can’t stress how COMPLETELY drained Chris and I where at this point. The end was in sight, but it did NOT look pretty. It wasn’t long before we were bombarded with new dates and lists of the who, what, when and of course how much. Know you might think that moving our “need to be out” date up to Aug 15th, would be something that was discussed, but once again what we thought did not matter. The cherry on top was when August 1 came around and the REALTOR called to inform me that herself, a handful of contractors as well as my in-laws where going to be at my house THAT AFTERNOON! What?! Am I the only one that thinks that maybe THE DAY we are trying to move out of a house is not the day people should be meeting at the house to LOOK AT IT! It just seems inappropriate to me. In my mind, I should have gotten a call from my in-laws saying, “Hey, can we take the boys to help you get moved?”, but that didn’t happen. And just for the record I had asked if they could take the boys for a little while to help us move, but they were unable to do that. This was unlike anything I have ever experienced. We were not even given the opportunity to clean up…every deadline they set, they disregarded until we finally said the hell with it…with complete control comes complete responsibility! We were set up to fail because what was expected of us was impossible. All we were left to do was play possum.

There was no communication by either side because we have no common ground. Our beliefs and values are so different that we are all right and wrong ALL at the same time. I do know for sure that in their eyes we were wrong. I must accept this so that I can move on without resentment. I do want to be clear, I’m not accepting their reality as anything, but “their reality”, how they need to see it. I am accepting that nothing we do or say will change the roles they have given us. We will become the kids that they “tried” to help…oh look at all the nice things they did for us…Chris has been called “full of shit” and belittled because he listens to “those conspiracy nut jobs” (this does not even touch on how completely disrespectful they have been regarding his professional recommendations) …and in their reality this all may be true. There comes a time when you understand that if you don’t take every last bit of a situation and digest it…well, let’s just say I did not want to revisit this one if I could help it.

I feel the need to say I love my husband and adore my two beautiful boys. I am truly blessed. Everyone is so much lighter and happier in the new house, and the last few weeks have been spent doing some “us time”. We need less commitments and more time together. We have just spent 3 years with very few (maybe a handful) of days TOGETHER, which is not enough to keep a family healthy. No family time was compounded by us always being on the losing side of every decision. For the first time in my life, I feel as if I have just come out of an abusive relationship. The kind that leaves bruises on the inside, where no one can see. I believe that ALL of Us have something to learn from this situation, but it has been a very painful process. There is so much to lose, but right now I must focus on the gain…our sanity, our health. We have been in battle for the last 3 years, and I am so thankful to be moving into a time of peace and harmony…(we actually moved onto Harmony Lane…no joke!)

We have crossed into a new time and space where we get to look beyond the constraints of the past. I set forth a ritual of letting go of the expectations, the sorrow, the anger, the disappointment. I choose to honor each of these as my teacher, and release them. I bury my broken heart beneath this Hawthorne, so it may be mended and reborn. I do this as a symbol of my openness for the present and future, and the forgiveness of the past. I will sit with this tree and ask for it’s guidance. I will be quiet. I will listen.

We have come here to learn, but are easily distracted by the drama we create. So this is my plan. I am taking this next year to heal and nourish. One year that we get to do what WE want to do. I let go of the fear of making the right decision. It comes from a “knowing” that if you make it yourself it is always the right decision. It may not be easy, but at least you haven’t compromised yourself.
I want this blog to be a reflection of my path. The earth has always called to me. It’s who I am…it’s who I strive to be.

Special thanks to those who have helped us find our way through this rough patch of sea!

What happens when this public blog becomes private? For those of you who have blogs of your own or even post personal details of your life through various social media platforms, I wonder how you view privacy in this public domain. I was recently contacted by a family member that I have not spoken to in years…turns out she has been reading my blog! Is blogging now a tool for families that have lost their way? I wonder how it looks from the outside, and I think of the phrase “airing my dirty laundry”. I suppose after so many years of “worrying” what people think, I invite people to participate in my world of discovery. I do my best to speak the truth without judging it or anyone involved. Of course, some days I do this better than others (that’s just my human side showing through). I wonder if some wounds will ever heal, or if we will be trapped in this dead-end of blame and misinterpretation.

the pain to stay the same must be greater than the pain to change

Me, Phoenix and Charlie are headed for Washington State, so stay tuned to hear all our exciting adventures:)

Dear In-Laws,
Just wanted to do a quick summary of our meeting last night.

*You will consult with June McCall to verify the state of the local real estate market. We all agreed that to sell the Blueberry property right now would result in a loss for all parties involved. A unilateral decision was made that Chris and I would resume mortgage payments and we would wait for the market to improve.

*Chris and I will resume paying the mortgage as of May 08. I would like to propose that we pay you $2000/month to go toward paying off our loans to you. With this money you can pay the mortgage and still use the mortgage payments on YOUR taxes. By my calculations we could finish paying off all our debt to you Jan 09. I think that it is vital that this debt is repaid ASAP for everyone involved. At the point that the debt is paid in full, we will continue paying the mortgage as a write-off for our taxes.

*Chris will contact Ikea to sort out the part shortage and possibility of returning the countertops.

*Chris and I will finish the 2nd bathroom and kitchen remodels, interior & exterior painting, and general maintenance of the property. This will ensure that when the market improves, we will be ready to sell the house.

*You have hired someone to do a spring clean-up, as well as apply fertilizer and grass seeds for Summer 08. I understand that the cost of the lawn maintenance for the previous years was high and that money is tight. As was offered the previous years, Chris and I are willing and able to do this ourselves in order to get a greater return on our investment. Please let us know what EXACTLY is expected of us, in order to prevent future misunderstandings.

*It is our understanding that our responsibilities in regards to the lawn is watering and mowing.

*Let us be extremely clear…Under no circumstance is anyone to apply pesticides or herbicides to the lawn while we are living here. There is absolutely no good reason to dump more toxins into our water source!

Thank you,
Chris and Kari

An eco-village is where I want to be. I don’t want to convert people. I just want to live with the peace of knowing that I am doing the best I can. Modeling my vision of the future! Teaching my children how to live in a peaceful way. To be conscious of what we do and say. To do this I must accept that I am not perfect and I slip everyday. Forgiveness and no judgement.

Like so many other people, I struggle with where to begin. On my quest, I have found some great links helping Real people address the Real issues. It’s inspiring to know people ARE out there making a difference! They are consciously trying to find their way in this world. With this in mind, I must direct your attention to WhitScott.com. He asks “Am I sustainable? Are you?”, which is a question we ALL need to ask. I adore the idea of listing ways that we are “Killing the earth/Saving the earth”.

Ways I am killing the earth
• I drive a car.
• I buy food from the Super Market…not so super.
• We burn wood for heat.
• We have 3 computers that are always ON.

Ways I am saving the earth
• I don’t use plastic bags.
• I very rarely buy new clothes.
• I am a recycling NUT.
• Raising consciousness…I sure hope:)
• I grow my own medicines:)

Ways I WILL be saving the earth
• I am joining a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture).
• I am going to start riding my bike to work.
• I WILL Compost!

I watched this GREAT movie about reducing our consumption…WATCH THIS!!

So here are some ways I am going to reduce my consumption by 10%
• Stop buying plastic bottles.
• Capture and use rain water.
• Hang dry our laundry

With all this in mind, I know that the only way we can make a difference is to have the strength to stand up and be counted. I write to be counted as one who gives a shit!

Everyday is a practice. Everyday is another try. Wake up in the morning with excitement for what is ahead of me instead of the dread that surrounds me. To enjoy is the secret. Find love within the smallest crumb. It is magic…all of it.

Just Because:)
The Sustainable Table
Mother Earth News
Eco Child’s Play- Green Parenting

The more I know, the more I know I DON’T know!!

I have spent a good part of my life looking through other people’s eyes searching for answers. What’s right? What’s wrong?..I begged them to tell me. At some point I began trusting in my own eyes. This didn’t happen over night and honestly I still waiver from time to time. Yet it still infuriates me when someone says, “Well, look at it from my perspective” in an attempt to make me “see the truth”. Little do they know I just got back from “their perspective”, and well, I’m glad I don’t live there. Actually, I have no problem with their view, but should it change how I see things? In fear of disappointment, I am quite relieved I do NOT see my life and my choices through other’s eyes. My focus is often on the people in my life as opposed to the dirty dishes in the sink. Damn those dishes that keep getting themselves dirty and expecting me to wash them. I find it very easy to get distracted by the little things in life, and well, as it should be. It’s these small details that are usually the most important.

I think how terribly boring and tragic it would be if we all saw the same thing… or for that matter believed the same thing. The reason we all have our OWN eyes and don’t just share a set of cosmic eyes is so we can have different points of view. These multiple views create layers of truth. It is within these truths I now search for answers. Such a fine line between listening to other perspectives and compromising yourself. It becomes too easy to think that our unique view is somehow superior to anyone else’s. On this one point, I am sure My view is useless without YOURS!

Being arrogant…what does it say about a person? What is ego anyway? A player on a stage merely acting out the script in front of them. Can you see the inner god of a person that is arrogant? I am no better than you, and no worse. I am just trying to be conscious of my contribution, of OUR footprint upon this land. Don’t be fooled; We DO walk together.

Inspire not alienate…my mantra these days. I want to bridge the gap between the established norm and consciousness. It starts with a conversation, a question, an idea. A seed is a thought or vise versa. It takes time, attention and nature to turn a seed into a tree of consciousness. I want to arouse people to think about where their food comes from…What happens to all those plastic bags once the trash man picks them up?…Why is the United States the only country that allows Rx drug ads on television?…Are we free, and if so from what? The food doesn’t start at the store and the trash does NOT just go away. So, what are we to do?

What happens when an average American family turns green? Is it even possible to go pollution-free within a world of technology? What happens when the kids lose what they have grown attached to such as the big tv, the dvd player, mounds of toys, their own bedroom, beds, yard and the beloved easy access computers? Is more better or will they simply be excited about the adventure. What will they have instead? What will their friends say? What will the school say? Will the fact that we have kids limit our ability to go off the grid? How do you talk to your child about a move of this sort?

So, I have all these questions that I wish someone would just answer for me, but what’s the fun in that. I am certain that if it’s not this it would be that, and I pledge to keep moving even if it’s in circles. Some days it’s just like that…more questions than answers.

As I pack and sort, I know I’ve been here before. I wonder how many times it takes to get things right. How many times do we have to hit our heads against this brick wall before we slump to the ground and it’s finally over. It’s been one of those days in which you wonder if any of it really matters. I let go of all that surrounds me and accept that if I am meant to have any of it, it will return. My heart breaks as I watch Chris struggle to claim his self worth. How many times can we be put down coated with sweet words before we break and fight back? Motivation escapes me in this time of tremendous need. This is certainly induced by dissatisfaction with the way of the world. I want to scream, but no sound comes out. Stuck in a battle without any winners, I watch the field drenched with blood that will never be completely washed away. It will reside in the soil, a record of this fight. Still much tells me none of this matters, so I push on. I simply breathe and listen as best I can.

Today e-mails were exchanged yet I doubt anyone was really heard. Different perspectives that will never meet in the middle for there is no middle ground. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people surrounding me as I stand in front of the firing squad. Their aim is not at me, but what I stand up for. The belief that I carry is too powerful for them to accept. I forgive. We all do the very best we can with the script that lay before us.

I have started walking. I have never liked walking, which even I find an absurd character flaw. I don’t know what happened, but I found myself going out of my way to walk. Sometimes I would go alone and other times arrange to meet up with friends. I would walk in the morning, evening and sometimes both. I bought 10 lb weights for each ankle that pull me snugly towards the ground. A week of this ritual passes and the soreness subsides, leaving me with a comforting blanket of strength. It is as though I am obsessed by movement and must create as much as I can each day. Am I preparing for a great journey that will require vast energy reserves? This has all happened without much thought or struggle. I implore you to reclaim your time for it is your greatest resource for days to come.

There has been so much focus on being aware and connected. I feel that I have tapped into something I can’t even begin to explain or understand. Such power seems to surround me and I am heavily invested in creating all that can be. Today is the time I’ve been searching for. A place to explore and get excited about. The struggle is mixed in with the pleasure to add depth and understanding of the precise gifts I am to receive. This is not me, only what I have allowed to transcend and evolve. I wish only to pass on the beauty of the moment and accept the sludge I must wade through. Oh what a glorious tale.

Some days are harder that others. Chris and I sit down to talk about the logistics of moving into a yurt. We have 3 weeks to finish remodeling the house where we are currently living; we need at least 7 weeks. We need money to pay bills. Thankfully Chris has work the next few weeks and has even sold a couple propane drums. We need to pack, pitch and sort through all that we have stored in this 3 bedroom ranch. I’m terrified of the basement. We have rented a Studio for us to use as a “home base” and office through this transition period. I have great visions for this space, and have already started planning a community calendar of events. There is not enough time in the day. And above all we don’t know if we can really live in the yurt that was originally our savior. There are many problems with our plan. Many questions that need answers. From basics such as how do we wash dishes to how do we power our laptops. Are toilets really that important?

Chris needs answers and I can’t deal with problems right now. I want to focus on the possibilities not be dragged down by reality. This is not my reality!! I become defensive and question his desire to go through with our plan. Maybe he doesn’t really want to do this at all. Maybe he wants the extras I’m asking him to give up. I struggle to clear the fog of self doubt, while I acknowledging that Chris’s worries are valid. Can we find solutions to these problems or am I watching my dreams go up in smoke? I crave the absence of electronic hum as well as the servitude of our current life. It is FEAR, but do I fear moving forward or fear falling back into the abyss of this consumerism. I feel my chest tighten and try to focus on deep, slow breaths. It’s like a drug that you’re not sure you can live without. Maybe that’s what I truly fear….my own self control. Chris suggests a longer integration period. I don’t work like that. Just stop consuming and keep walking. Don’t look back, or you’ll regret what you left behind. Maybe you’ll miss the broken chair you always wanted to fix, the pair of shoes that your never got to wear, or even the tv.

Separating trash from treasure that’s the stage we’re at. I hauled 6 large trash bags full of clothes plus a box of dishes to the swap shop this weekend. It doesn’t even feel like I put a dent. I am desperately trying to stay in the present while planing for the future. What do I, we the boys need? Is it more than I want it to be or can adjustments be made? There is so much to absorb and deflect all at the same time! Chris fears by jumping in too fast, we will become frustrated and take it out on one another. Instead of having more time, will there be less. I fear being sucked back in to meaningless rat race. That all being said I am sure of one thing.

I love my husband and am extremely thankful that he is a patient and loving man. We are going to need lots of that! Stretch and breathe. This is my journey. This is my lesson. I will show up, sit at the front of the class and take notes.

I have too many closets. In my opinion most people have too many closets. Now I don’t mean I have empty closets. Actually the opposite is true; they’re overflowing with random stuff. This is an analogy of our so called “modern life”. We need more closet space for all the things that we might need someday. That chafing dish you use every third Christmas when it’s your turn to host the family dinner. Really, I have nothing against the “right tool for the job”, but is it worth the space it takes up in your life? It was only a few years ago that we were given a really nice sofa. We were thrilled because prior to this we used fold-up camping chairs as living room furniture. What a luxury! Please do not misunderstand me. I like new things. I like shiny things. And I really like technology and the opportunity it has to connect the world, more importantly people. I adore having access to people across the globe. All that being said, when is it ever going to be enough. I’m not against the modern world, but why when we have something that works are we driven to make it better. Obsessed to the degree that it sucks so much time and energy that we miss out on the beauty that surrounds us everyday. Beauty that can not be found in your local mall!!
I feel my background gives me a special perspective on this. Growing up the youngest of 4 children, my parents divorced when I was 5 leaving me without any memories of a family together. My dad moved away, as I entered junior high ,to start what is now a very successful business. We all make sacrifices never knowing for sure what we have given up. I remained with my mom, who worked multiple jobs just to pay the bills. As many people I know, I received little to no guidance on how to balance money and happiness. Factoring in that I ALWAYS had to learn things the hard way, there may have been more attempts than my memory will allow. This being said, I truly believe that my family always did the best they could, and I am TRULY grateful for the love and support that I did get. I know many that were not so lucky. I have often been misunderstood by those around me. This certainly laid the foundation for much self exploration and FINALLY discovery of who I truly am. It’s a wonderful thing to be comfortable in one’s beliefs, and yet have faith in the unknown.
My family includes some amazingly intelligent as well as fanatically driven individuals. This in itself is not bad, but we have lost sight of the importance of family and what we could be together if only we took the time to engage one another. Okay, how does this connect with having two many closets and too much stuff in each one. We live in a consumer driven society. Well, actually a MARKETING driven society!! We have allowed big corporations to convince us that what is in our closets is more important that who is in our family. Maybe you don’t see this in yourself, and maybe you have escaped their trap. Congratulations. Move to the head of the class. All I am saying is by taking a good look at your closets one can get a glimpse of what you see as important. Do you have 20 shirts or 200 shirts? What do you really need? You may see me as a minimalist, but I see it as keeping it simple in a world of endless complexity.
Today is a perfect day to reduce my clothes by half! Yes, I figure less clothes less laundry. Stay with me… Do you have a constant pile of clothes that never seems to get washed? I mean you keep doing laundry, but the pile seems to stay the same. Do you have clothes that you don’t really wear, but they keep ending up in the laundry basket. Of course I do have children and they like to “help” with the laundry, but I don’t think that explains it all. I’ll let you know how this works because like everything in life this is an experiment. Stuff does not make one happy, so it’s out with the stuff and in with the happy. I encourage you to search out places to recycle unwanted items. Here on Cape Cod we have “Swap Shops” at our local dumps. This is brilliant. It’s an all in one stop….need crap…need to get rid of crap….come on down it’s FREE.
I am declaring this a year to embrace all that I am. For years I have been lulled into accepting others’ reality as my own. I will stand my ground, and be an example of who, why, when, where, how and of course how much. I am giving myself permission to let go and see where it takes me. I invite you to look at your closets and create some space for what ever you value most. Space is a very powerful and magical thing to bring back into your life.

I am 34 year old, mother of two fiercely independent young boys, wife of a wonderfully supportive man and finding it increasingly hard to live in a world that makes less and less sense. We moved to Cape Cod to invest in a house that would allow us to “get out of debt” and achieve the “American dream” of having our own home. We were desperately trying to build a solid foundation for our future, so we bought into the idea of “you need to spend money to make money”. My advice regarding this is ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCT! You are responsible for your own decisions and YOU must live with them! When you’re young it’s easy to look to others for guidance instead of standing up for what you know is right.

That was 3 years ago and there have been many bumps and bruises along the way. Of course that’s to be expected, but I was not prepared for the endless battles over simple things. In preparation of the eventual sale of the house we had mapped out a remodeling plan, even going so far as to sign a contract between all parties involved. And even though things did not go according to contract, I am still thankful we started out that way. We have had an extremely hard time with the remodeling of this house mostly because of constant disagreements between us and my in-laws, who are also heavily invested in this house. Oh, did I fail to mention we went into this investment with FAMILY! I know better than to mix family, business and money! First we argued about the maintenance of the lawn, than the installation of a whole house fan as opposed to individual ceiling fans in each room and the list goes on and on. Each time something needed to be done, it was an 8 course meal (not literally!) of talking about who, what, when, where, how oh and of course how much. We never agreed with them and they never agreed with us, so it was always 2 against 2 without a tie breaker. With much disappointment, Chris and I finally decided to stop believing that they actually wanted to hear our opinion even though that was what was being said. Oh, and did I mention that Chris is a professional full-service carpenter and has been doing high-end remodels for almost 15 years now. Obviously, he’s still not qualified to pick out a countertop or be trusted with any sort of decision of the sort. If Chris got little recognition, I got even less. After two years of working on the landscaping without any support financially, mentally or physically, “professional” landscapers were brought in by guess who to focus on curb appeal. Oddly enough when I said that the irrigation system was not adequate the first summer, no one listened, but when the “professional” said it 6 months before the property was to be put on the market, well I’m sure you can guess where I’m going with this.

As we prepare to sell our investment, we struggle with so much more than moving boxes. When I look at the past 3 years, it’s not hard for me to look at the events from a multitude of perspectives. And even though I still think we got the short end of the stick, I also think that we were given an opportunity that I’m glad we didn’t turn down. I love were we live, and am thankful for so much. That being said, I am ready for a new direction. One that we make. One that is not based on the decisions and outcomes of our parents and their generation. It is strikingly clear to me that what worked for them, has not and will not work for us. This debt driven society must end. I want more time and less stuff. I want to find a way to be happy without all the things we are told we must own to be happy. So now we are just trying to get out of this house and accept it as a big, fat learning experience. So I guess this blog is going to be about what I have learned and where I hope it will take me. Deep Breath and I’m on my way….