YurtTrash

Dear In-Laws,
Just wanted to do a quick summary of our meeting last night.

*You will consult with June McCall to verify the state of the local real estate market. We all agreed that to sell the Blueberry property right now would result in a loss for all parties involved. A unilateral decision was made that Chris and I would resume mortgage payments and we would wait for the market to improve.

*Chris and I will resume paying the mortgage as of May 08. I would like to propose that we pay you $2000/month to go toward paying off our loans to you. With this money you can pay the mortgage and still use the mortgage payments on YOUR taxes. By my calculations we could finish paying off all our debt to you Jan 09. I think that it is vital that this debt is repaid ASAP for everyone involved. At the point that the debt is paid in full, we will continue paying the mortgage as a write-off for our taxes.

*Chris will contact Ikea to sort out the part shortage and possibility of returning the countertops.

*Chris and I will finish the 2nd bathroom and kitchen remodels, interior & exterior painting, and general maintenance of the property. This will ensure that when the market improves, we will be ready to sell the house.

*You have hired someone to do a spring clean-up, as well as apply fertilizer and grass seeds for Summer 08. I understand that the cost of the lawn maintenance for the previous years was high and that money is tight. As was offered the previous years, Chris and I are willing and able to do this ourselves in order to get a greater return on our investment. Please let us know what EXACTLY is expected of us, in order to prevent future misunderstandings.

*It is our understanding that our responsibilities in regards to the lawn is watering and mowing.

*Let us be extremely clear…Under no circumstance is anyone to apply pesticides or herbicides to the lawn while we are living here. There is absolutely no good reason to dump more toxins into our water source!

Thank you,
Chris and Kari

I have spent a good part of my life looking through other people’s eyes searching for answers. What’s right? What’s wrong?..I begged them to tell me. At some point I began trusting in my own eyes. This didn’t happen over night and honestly I still waiver from time to time. Yet it still infuriates me when someone says, “Well, look at it from my perspective” in an attempt to make me “see the truth”. Little do they know I just got back from “their perspective”, and well, I’m glad I don’t live there. Actually, I have no problem with their view, but should it change how I see things? In fear of disappointment, I am quite relieved I do NOT see my life and my choices through other’s eyes. My focus is often on the people in my life as opposed to the dirty dishes in the sink. Damn those dishes that keep getting themselves dirty and expecting me to wash them. I find it very easy to get distracted by the little things in life, and well, as it should be. It’s these small details that are usually the most important.

I think how terribly boring and tragic it would be if we all saw the same thing… or for that matter believed the same thing. The reason we all have our OWN eyes and don’t just share a set of cosmic eyes is so we can have different points of view. These multiple views create layers of truth. It is within these truths I now search for answers. Such a fine line between listening to other perspectives and compromising yourself. It becomes too easy to think that our unique view is somehow superior to anyone else’s. On this one point, I am sure My view is useless without YOURS!

Being arrogant…what does it say about a person? What is ego anyway? A player on a stage merely acting out the script in front of them. Can you see the inner god of a person that is arrogant? I am no better than you, and no worse. I am just trying to be conscious of my contribution, of OUR footprint upon this land. Don’t be fooled; We DO walk together.

Inspire not alienate…my mantra these days. I want to bridge the gap between the established norm and consciousness. It starts with a conversation, a question, an idea. A seed is a thought or vise versa. It takes time, attention and nature to turn a seed into a tree of consciousness. I want to arouse people to think about where their food comes from…What happens to all those plastic bags once the trash man picks them up?…Why is the United States the only country that allows Rx drug ads on television?…Are we free, and if so from what? The food doesn’t start at the store and the trash does NOT just go away. So, what are we to do?

What happens when an average American family turns green? Is it even possible to go pollution-free within a world of technology? What happens when the kids lose what they have grown attached to such as the big tv, the dvd player, mounds of toys, their own bedroom, beds, yard and the beloved easy access computers? Is more better or will they simply be excited about the adventure. What will they have instead? What will their friends say? What will the school say? Will the fact that we have kids limit our ability to go off the grid? How do you talk to your child about a move of this sort?

So, I have all these questions that I wish someone would just answer for me, but what’s the fun in that. I am certain that if it’s not this it would be that, and I pledge to keep moving even if it’s in circles. Some days it’s just like that…more questions than answers.

As I pack and sort, I know I’ve been here before. I wonder how many times it takes to get things right. How many times do we have to hit our heads against this brick wall before we slump to the ground and it’s finally over. It’s been one of those days in which you wonder if any of it really matters. I let go of all that surrounds me and accept that if I am meant to have any of it, it will return. My heart breaks as I watch Chris struggle to claim his self worth. How many times can we be put down coated with sweet words before we break and fight back? Motivation escapes me in this time of tremendous need. This is certainly induced by dissatisfaction with the way of the world. I want to scream, but no sound comes out. Stuck in a battle without any winners, I watch the field drenched with blood that will never be completely washed away. It will reside in the soil, a record of this fight. Still much tells me none of this matters, so I push on. I simply breathe and listen as best I can.

Today e-mails were exchanged yet I doubt anyone was really heard. Different perspectives that will never meet in the middle for there is no middle ground. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people surrounding me as I stand in front of the firing squad. Their aim is not at me, but what I stand up for. The belief that I carry is too powerful for them to accept. I forgive. We all do the very best we can with the script that lay before us.

I have started walking. I have never liked walking, which even I find an absurd character flaw. I don’t know what happened, but I found myself going out of my way to walk. Sometimes I would go alone and other times arrange to meet up with friends. I would walk in the morning, evening and sometimes both. I bought 10 lb weights for each ankle that pull me snugly towards the ground. A week of this ritual passes and the soreness subsides, leaving me with a comforting blanket of strength. It is as though I am obsessed by movement and must create as much as I can each day. Am I preparing for a great journey that will require vast energy reserves? This has all happened without much thought or struggle. I implore you to reclaim your time for it is your greatest resource for days to come.

There has been so much focus on being aware and connected. I feel that I have tapped into something I can’t even begin to explain or understand. Such power seems to surround me and I am heavily invested in creating all that can be. Today is the time I’ve been searching for. A place to explore and get excited about. The struggle is mixed in with the pleasure to add depth and understanding of the precise gifts I am to receive. This is not me, only what I have allowed to transcend and evolve. I wish only to pass on the beauty of the moment and accept the sludge I must wade through. Oh what a glorious tale.

I am 34 year old, mother of two fiercely independent young boys, wife of a wonderfully supportive man and finding it increasingly hard to live in a world that makes less and less sense. We moved to Cape Cod to invest in a house that would allow us to “get out of debt” and achieve the “American dream” of having our own home. We were desperately trying to build a solid foundation for our future, so we bought into the idea of “you need to spend money to make money”. My advice regarding this is ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCT! You are responsible for your own decisions and YOU must live with them! When you’re young it’s easy to look to others for guidance instead of standing up for what you know is right.

That was 3 years ago and there have been many bumps and bruises along the way. Of course that’s to be expected, but I was not prepared for the endless battles over simple things. In preparation of the eventual sale of the house we had mapped out a remodeling plan, even going so far as to sign a contract between all parties involved. And even though things did not go according to contract, I am still thankful we started out that way. We have had an extremely hard time with the remodeling of this house mostly because of constant disagreements between us and my in-laws, who are also heavily invested in this house. Oh, did I fail to mention we went into this investment with FAMILY! I know better than to mix family, business and money! First we argued about the maintenance of the lawn, than the installation of a whole house fan as opposed to individual ceiling fans in each room and the list goes on and on. Each time something needed to be done, it was an 8 course meal (not literally!) of talking about who, what, when, where, how oh and of course how much. We never agreed with them and they never agreed with us, so it was always 2 against 2 without a tie breaker. With much disappointment, Chris and I finally decided to stop believing that they actually wanted to hear our opinion even though that was what was being said. Oh, and did I mention that Chris is a professional full-service carpenter and has been doing high-end remodels for almost 15 years now. Obviously, he’s still not qualified to pick out a countertop or be trusted with any sort of decision of the sort. If Chris got little recognition, I got even less. After two years of working on the landscaping without any support financially, mentally or physically, “professional” landscapers were brought in by guess who to focus on curb appeal. Oddly enough when I said that the irrigation system was not adequate the first summer, no one listened, but when the “professional” said it 6 months before the property was to be put on the market, well I’m sure you can guess where I’m going with this.

As we prepare to sell our investment, we struggle with so much more than moving boxes. When I look at the past 3 years, it’s not hard for me to look at the events from a multitude of perspectives. And even though I still think we got the short end of the stick, I also think that we were given an opportunity that I’m glad we didn’t turn down. I love were we live, and am thankful for so much. That being said, I am ready for a new direction. One that we make. One that is not based on the decisions and outcomes of our parents and their generation. It is strikingly clear to me that what worked for them, has not and will not work for us. This debt driven society must end. I want more time and less stuff. I want to find a way to be happy without all the things we are told we must own to be happy. So now we are just trying to get out of this house and accept it as a big, fat learning experience. So I guess this blog is going to be about what I have learned and where I hope it will take me. Deep Breath and I’m on my way….