YurtTrash

As I take a deep breath in, I reflect on the past few months. The decision was made to put “the house” on the market THIS FALL. And although we thought it better to wait until next spring, our voices have gone the way of our ideas…unheard or disregarded. So we proceeded to face this daunting task with absolutely no motivation.

We found a house to rent starting August 1st, thankful to have a whole month to get moved and everything cleaned up before Sept 1, which was the date we were given to be out of the house. I can’t stress how COMPLETELY drained Chris and I where at this point. The end was in sight, but it did NOT look pretty. It wasn’t long before we were bombarded with new dates and lists of the who, what, when and of course how much. Know you might think that moving our “need to be out” date up to Aug 15th, would be something that was discussed, but once again what we thought did not matter. The cherry on top was when August 1 came around and the REALTOR called to inform me that herself, a handful of contractors as well as my in-laws where going to be at my house THAT AFTERNOON! What?! Am I the only one that thinks that maybe THE DAY we are trying to move out of a house is not the day people should be meeting at the house to LOOK AT IT! It just seems inappropriate to me. In my mind, I should have gotten a call from my in-laws saying, “Hey, can we take the boys to help you get moved?”, but that didn’t happen. And just for the record I had asked if they could take the boys for a little while to help us move, but they were unable to do that. This was unlike anything I have ever experienced. We were not even given the opportunity to clean up…every deadline they set, they disregarded until we finally said the hell with it…with complete control comes complete responsibility! We were set up to fail because what was expected of us was impossible. All we were left to do was play possum.

There was no communication by either side because we have no common ground. Our beliefs and values are so different that we are all right and wrong ALL at the same time. I do know for sure that in their eyes we were wrong. I must accept this so that I can move on without resentment. I do want to be clear, I’m not accepting their reality as anything, but “their reality”, how they need to see it. I am accepting that nothing we do or say will change the roles they have given us. We will become the kids that they “tried” to help…oh look at all the nice things they did for us…Chris has been called “full of shit” and belittled because he listens to “those conspiracy nut jobs” (this does not even touch on how completely disrespectful they have been regarding his professional recommendations) …and in their reality this all may be true. There comes a time when you understand that if you don’t take every last bit of a situation and digest it…well, let’s just say I did not want to revisit this one if I could help it.

I feel the need to say I love my husband and adore my two beautiful boys. I am truly blessed. Everyone is so much lighter and happier in the new house, and the last few weeks have been spent doing some “us time”. We need less commitments and more time together. We have just spent 3 years with very few (maybe a handful) of days TOGETHER, which is not enough to keep a family healthy. No family time was compounded by us always being on the losing side of every decision. For the first time in my life, I feel as if I have just come out of an abusive relationship. The kind that leaves bruises on the inside, where no one can see. I believe that ALL of Us have something to learn from this situation, but it has been a very painful process. There is so much to lose, but right now I must focus on the gain…our sanity, our health. We have been in battle for the last 3 years, and I am so thankful to be moving into a time of peace and harmony…(we actually moved onto Harmony Lane…no joke!)

We have crossed into a new time and space where we get to look beyond the constraints of the past. I set forth a ritual of letting go of the expectations, the sorrow, the anger, the disappointment. I choose to honor each of these as my teacher, and release them. I bury my broken heart beneath this Hawthorne, so it may be mended and reborn. I do this as a symbol of my openness for the present and future, and the forgiveness of the past. I will sit with this tree and ask for it’s guidance. I will be quiet. I will listen.

We have come here to learn, but are easily distracted by the drama we create. So this is my plan. I am taking this next year to heal and nourish. One year that we get to do what WE want to do. I let go of the fear of making the right decision. It comes from a “knowing” that if you make it yourself it is always the right decision. It may not be easy, but at least you haven’t compromised yourself.
I want this blog to be a reflection of my path. The earth has always called to me. It’s who I am…it’s who I strive to be.

Special thanks to those who have helped us find our way through this rough patch of sea!

What a crazy mess of a day…Phoenix is a bit better, so we spent some time this morning outside. I have sooooo much that needs to be done in the yard it is truly INSANE! It was great to let Charlie run and Phoenix soak up the sun. It’s a rough time when one of your children is sick and the other does not understand what this means. Charlie has spent A LOT of time in his room these past weeks. It’s as if Charlie has taken it upon himself to make up for his brother’s “low energy”. Energy can not be created or destroyed just transfered to the other child.
I also became aware of the new Seesmic wordpress plugin.

What the hell are we doing ALLOWING Disney to build an amusement park in Baghdad!!! Money Money Money, that’s all it is, when are we going to stand up and say NO!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!! If you think making people more like “US” is going to make the world a better place, well, you probably sleep better than I do. But, wait…we are giving the poor Iraqis jobs, and tourism…do some people really believe this shit?! Okay, that was my day so far…

Dear In-Laws,
Just wanted to do a quick summary of our meeting last night.

*You will consult with June McCall to verify the state of the local real estate market. We all agreed that to sell the Blueberry property right now would result in a loss for all parties involved. A unilateral decision was made that Chris and I would resume mortgage payments and we would wait for the market to improve.

*Chris and I will resume paying the mortgage as of May 08. I would like to propose that we pay you $2000/month to go toward paying off our loans to you. With this money you can pay the mortgage and still use the mortgage payments on YOUR taxes. By my calculations we could finish paying off all our debt to you Jan 09. I think that it is vital that this debt is repaid ASAP for everyone involved. At the point that the debt is paid in full, we will continue paying the mortgage as a write-off for our taxes.

*Chris will contact Ikea to sort out the part shortage and possibility of returning the countertops.

*Chris and I will finish the 2nd bathroom and kitchen remodels, interior & exterior painting, and general maintenance of the property. This will ensure that when the market improves, we will be ready to sell the house.

*You have hired someone to do a spring clean-up, as well as apply fertilizer and grass seeds for Summer 08. I understand that the cost of the lawn maintenance for the previous years was high and that money is tight. As was offered the previous years, Chris and I are willing and able to do this ourselves in order to get a greater return on our investment. Please let us know what EXACTLY is expected of us, in order to prevent future misunderstandings.

*It is our understanding that our responsibilities in regards to the lawn is watering and mowing.

*Let us be extremely clear…Under no circumstance is anyone to apply pesticides or herbicides to the lawn while we are living here. There is absolutely no good reason to dump more toxins into our water source!

Thank you,
Chris and Kari

I sit here contemplating time and space…searching for meaning. I have reclaimed this time and space for thought…putting pencil to paper. I reflect on this writing therapy that I have come to love. In the back of my mind, I wonder if it’s just another drug distracting me from the daily grind. Of course, there is ALWAYS tons to do and never enough time. I feel frantic, much like a fowl missing it’s head due to a very sharp axe. I struggle with “waste of time” , and what IS truly wasted. OH, let me count the ways! Have I found just another diversion or is it much needed clarity within these pages. What does it mean to release my thoughts, my spirit to the world. I believe the impact of this simple act, upon me the writer and you the reader, is truly immeasurable. That is, I have yet to discover an appropriate unit of measurement for thought.

Throughout my blogs, I have released bite-sized chunks of my soul to fly around the world reaching people I may never know. Maybe someone else is struggling with direction and finds comfort in not being alone. I hope there is a spark lighting your own passion, as I journey towards mine. I may never know the importance of telling this tale, but I still believe it to be true. I must rely on my faith, through this cold, dark winter, that spring will come and these seeds WILL sprout. I know you have found your way to this single page, and that may be the most important thing that happens today. What is it that you wish to become, and do you still believe that it is possible?

My focus continues on the little things and how they have enormous impact. I trudge through my cabinets, sorting the precise from the useless. It’s hard to know what the future will require, so it’s all a game of chance. I’m starting to understand that it is ALL precise and useless. This does NOT make my job any easier. As I explore, all I seem to find is more questions to answers I haven’t asked yet. I remind myself about the importance of mindfulness. I take a deep breath and discover some peace within this relentless task. I find beauty all around simply because I stop to notice. It’s a practice and a choice each day.

As a child, one of my most comforting havens was on our porch swing, wrapped in a blanket, absorbing a thunderstorm. They were always thick with Thunder and spectacular bolts of Lightning. The heavy down pour would leave me with a “washed clean” feeling…as if all the cobwebs had been swept away. Can you find the calm within a storm? I had friends who were terrified of storms; they became paralyzed with fear, trapped under their covers for hours. I just felt free. Storms remind me that stillness can be very empowering.

This blog is my way of finding that stillness within the storm of my life. I write to bring awareness to myself, as well as you. We ALL have choices. Yet, we often reject this…feeling trapped in the maze we have created for ourselves. We ALWAYS have choices…be inspired to give up the illusions, to accept the beauty within ourselves and others, and most importantly to welcome the power, which resides within, to change what we see as broken. .

I like vegetables, which might be explained by my fond memories of eating snow peas straight out of my mother’s garden. They were sweet and crisp and what fun it is to see a plant become food…I realize that somethings have always been. As I walk through the Super Food Plus and wonder what’s so “super” about this new way of feeding ourselves, I let out a deep sigh and long for days of old. We all just accept or even welcome the packaging of these “food-like substances” as our saviour. Mothers, from coast to coast, fall prey to the “high in calcium”, dye injected, plastic-like food that is easy to prepare but difficult to digest. The cartoon character on the box is all that seems to matter these days. We don’t stop to connect the dots between the weekly visits to the pediatrician and the food on our tables. Blame the manufacturers, the marketeers, the executives or even the grocers themselves, but THEY are not responsible for our health, for our well being. Yes, I AM talking about more than just excess calories; it’s empty calories! Just because it’s on the shelves does not mean that we MUST buy it…come on, let’s show some restraint. Of course, I am talking to myself as well as you!

I find it impossible to pinpoint what is truly healthy as I walk down these aisles. I read ingredients, but that often requires a magnifying glass and some sort of degree in nutrition. There’s an internal struggle between my love for whole food and a busy schedule, which compels me to buy “quick” food just to make it through the week. I feel stuck in the middle of knowing what I should do and not being able to do it. Falling short only tugs on my already tattered spirit. I believe in organic food. I also believe in local food. My wallet gasps at the price of both of these, so I do the best my conscious will allow. I dream of the day that all my food is grown or raised within a 30 mile radius…Dreaming is what gets me through the day! If one cuts meat out of a few meals per week, they have a greater impact on our oil dependence than buying a hybrid…A fun and nauseating fact I feel required to include. Natural gas is used to produce fertilizers that are used to grow the feed, and energy is also consumed to process and transport this beloved meat. For the record, I do eat meat, but that’s a topic for another day.

There are so many things to think about when buying food, that usually all I am able to do is focus on which brand is on sale this week. I will sometimes look for the origin of a product, but there is little information in regards to how many miles or gallons of gas it took to get this jar of peanut butter to my local store. Since nearly everything is packaged in plastic, shouldn’t we know how much petroleum was consumed to produce this pretty little package that creates an impulse to choice this rice over the other 50 varieties. Is it too much to ask for the TRUE cost of the food I have to choose from?…Does this matter to you?

We have too many choices, which leads to “Store Daze”. I wonder around with my two kids in tow, trying to stay clear of the danger zones. As if the rows of brightly colored packages of sugar-coated sugar wasn’t bad enough, there is now a toy aisle! I can’t seem to make a trip to the grocery store without a, “No, We are NOT buying candy!”. It seems that where some think “More is Better”, I find it wasteful and exhausting of time and resources. For instance, why are there 30 check-out stands, when only 5 are ever used?

Whole food is WHOLE nourishment, which is essential to our starving world. It’s more than WHAT we put into our mouths, but the pathway of the food to our tables. Food absorbs the energy used to produce it, to move it and to prepare it. We still have the all-mightly power of purchase. If we do not buy it, they will not produce it. I encourage you to use your power wisely, as I will work to do the same.

P.S. I strongly suggest checking out sustainabletable.org for more information on food and energy.

I have spent a good part of my life looking through other people’s eyes searching for answers. What’s right? What’s wrong?..I begged them to tell me. At some point I began trusting in my own eyes. This didn’t happen over night and honestly I still waiver from time to time. Yet it still infuriates me when someone says, “Well, look at it from my perspective” in an attempt to make me “see the truth”. Little do they know I just got back from “their perspective”, and well, I’m glad I don’t live there. Actually, I have no problem with their view, but should it change how I see things? In fear of disappointment, I am quite relieved I do NOT see my life and my choices through other’s eyes. My focus is often on the people in my life as opposed to the dirty dishes in the sink. Damn those dishes that keep getting themselves dirty and expecting me to wash them. I find it very easy to get distracted by the little things in life, and well, as it should be. It’s these small details that are usually the most important.

I think how terribly boring and tragic it would be if we all saw the same thing… or for that matter believed the same thing. The reason we all have our OWN eyes and don’t just share a set of cosmic eyes is so we can have different points of view. These multiple views create layers of truth. It is within these truths I now search for answers. Such a fine line between listening to other perspectives and compromising yourself. It becomes too easy to think that our unique view is somehow superior to anyone else’s. On this one point, I am sure My view is useless without YOURS!

Being arrogant…what does it say about a person? What is ego anyway? A player on a stage merely acting out the script in front of them. Can you see the inner god of a person that is arrogant? I am no better than you, and no worse. I am just trying to be conscious of my contribution, of OUR footprint upon this land. Don’t be fooled; We DO walk together.

Inspire not alienate…my mantra these days. I want to bridge the gap between the established norm and consciousness. It starts with a conversation, a question, an idea. A seed is a thought or vise versa. It takes time, attention and nature to turn a seed into a tree of consciousness. I want to arouse people to think about where their food comes from…What happens to all those plastic bags once the trash man picks them up?…Why is the United States the only country that allows Rx drug ads on television?…Are we free, and if so from what? The food doesn’t start at the store and the trash does NOT just go away. So, what are we to do?

What happens when an average American family turns green? Is it even possible to go pollution-free within a world of technology? What happens when the kids lose what they have grown attached to such as the big tv, the dvd player, mounds of toys, their own bedroom, beds, yard and the beloved easy access computers? Is more better or will they simply be excited about the adventure. What will they have instead? What will their friends say? What will the school say? Will the fact that we have kids limit our ability to go off the grid? How do you talk to your child about a move of this sort?

So, I have all these questions that I wish someone would just answer for me, but what’s the fun in that. I am certain that if it’s not this it would be that, and I pledge to keep moving even if it’s in circles. Some days it’s just like that…more questions than answers.

Have you ever had a passion that you embraced even before you knew exactly why it was so important? As is often the case with me, I find I know things before I truly understand them….Well, I am a bag lady, that is, I use cloth bags instead of single-use plastic bags. I have always been heavy on the reuse, recycle end of life, so you would think this came easily. In actuality it has taken me years of reprogramming to establish a solid habit of ALWAYS having cloth bags on hand. Well, to be perfectly honest, I STILL forget sometimes, but now I just pile my groceries into the basket or even a box if one’s available. I’ve simply learned that I can JUST SAY NO to plastic bags!

With a mind for science and math, I started college majoring in engineering, but my soul quickly pulled me toward my true passion. The result was a bachelor’s degree in Environmental Sciences from the School of Natural Resources. Looking at me today you may say well of course, but I was much more a conservative in appearance and action back then. I actually thought Reagan was a good president…yah we all make mistakes! Of course my mom would remind me, as moms should, that I was always picking up trash along the way, and producing hysterical rants whenever litter crossed my path. As I look back I realize that I was always an activist, it just took me a while to find my voice. So now that I’m a parent, I find that it’s even more important to simply do my part and BE MINDFUL. I believe that everyone must find their own motivation for change.

Let’s start with some history and facts. Single-use plastic bags were introduce in the late 1970’s. Thank god for the brilliant marketeer that sold us the idea to use disposable bags for EVERYTHING. Baahh Baahh, this grass is great! Of course not so great if you are a sea or land animal that mistakes a plastic bag for food and DIES. Now wait a minute let’s assume ALL plastic bags make it into landfills. For 1,000 year these plastic bags continue to break down, contaminating both water and soil. After soaking up any other toxins in these landfills, little bits of plastic bag can then be consumed by some unfortunate animal. Of course our convenience is more important than a stupid animal, I mean, we are man, right?. This makes me wonder…what do plastic bags cost, and of course I mean the TRUE cost? I started by doing a google search on “cost of plastic bags”, which I highly recommend because God knows I won’t find everything that’s out there. Be curious…start there. One more suggestion ALWAYS remember to ask “where is the money?”. So I started at the top…reusablebags.com. Lots of facts on consumption, which were so appalling I thought I might have to go throw up. The United States alone consumes 100 BILLION plastic shopping bags annually, which is approximately 4 MILLION dollars spent by retailers. There is between 500 BILLION and 1 TRILLION plastic bag consumed each year throughout the world. My head can’t even fathom these numbers, let alone imagine the impact we could have if we simply stopped producing these bags. Of course people would lose their jobs, and business would go out of business, but wouldn’t it be worth it. The US plastic industry says NO, and they are fighting like hell to avoid the legislation that is sweeping the globe. In 2002 Ireland started charging a tax for every plastic bag used by consumers and used the money to fund environmental clean up. Nearly immediately Ireland’s consumption went down by 90%. The result was 1 BILLION fewer bags used each year. Money motivates people!!
Here in the United States we are VERY set in our ways of disposibility. We also have VERY powerful companies that have a lot to lose if we follow the rest of the world with a plastic bag tax or the like. We are talking money. We are ALWAYS talking money.

Remember NOTHING is ever free! I hope you are wondering how this all effects the money in YOUR wallet? It does, but you have been convinced that these terribly convenient bags are FREE. Stop to think about a company giving away something for free. THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN! For a long time I felt good about simply taking my used bags back to the store to be recycled, until they stopped taking them back. So I wondered why it’s so hard to recycle these single-use plastic bags. Well, it costs $4000 to recycle one ton of these plastic bags. At which point they can sell this recycled material for a whopping $32. There is absolutely no motivation for companies to recycle these bags. The making of these bags supports our dependence on oil and in this day and age that alone should require people to care. Whatever the reason that tugs at your soul, be empowered to do something. Okay, I don’t want to portray myself as a martyr. And just so we’re clear, I STILL find myself accepting a plastic bag from time to time when I’m in a hurry. Sometimes I’m out of the store and look down and curse under my breath because I didn’t even realize they had given me a plastic bag. I also am not judging you if I see you with a cart full of groceries in single-use plastic bags because I know the problem is bigger than you or me. I also know that it starts with you and me. The only answer I see is to STOP USING THEM. If we, the consumers say NO, the bags will not be made. So when someone asks “But what can I do?”, please tell them to BYOB. Bring Your Own Bag! Thank You:)

As I pack and sort, I know I’ve been here before. I wonder how many times it takes to get things right. How many times do we have to hit our heads against this brick wall before we slump to the ground and it’s finally over. It’s been one of those days in which you wonder if any of it really matters. I let go of all that surrounds me and accept that if I am meant to have any of it, it will return. My heart breaks as I watch Chris struggle to claim his self worth. How many times can we be put down coated with sweet words before we break and fight back? Motivation escapes me in this time of tremendous need. This is certainly induced by dissatisfaction with the way of the world. I want to scream, but no sound comes out. Stuck in a battle without any winners, I watch the field drenched with blood that will never be completely washed away. It will reside in the soil, a record of this fight. Still much tells me none of this matters, so I push on. I simply breathe and listen as best I can.

Today e-mails were exchanged yet I doubt anyone was really heard. Different perspectives that will never meet in the middle for there is no middle ground. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people surrounding me as I stand in front of the firing squad. Their aim is not at me, but what I stand up for. The belief that I carry is too powerful for them to accept. I forgive. We all do the very best we can with the script that lay before us.

I have started walking. I have never liked walking, which even I find an absurd character flaw. I don’t know what happened, but I found myself going out of my way to walk. Sometimes I would go alone and other times arrange to meet up with friends. I would walk in the morning, evening and sometimes both. I bought 10 lb weights for each ankle that pull me snugly towards the ground. A week of this ritual passes and the soreness subsides, leaving me with a comforting blanket of strength. It is as though I am obsessed by movement and must create as much as I can each day. Am I preparing for a great journey that will require vast energy reserves? This has all happened without much thought or struggle. I implore you to reclaim your time for it is your greatest resource for days to come.

There has been so much focus on being aware and connected. I feel that I have tapped into something I can’t even begin to explain or understand. Such power seems to surround me and I am heavily invested in creating all that can be. Today is the time I’ve been searching for. A place to explore and get excited about. The struggle is mixed in with the pleasure to add depth and understanding of the precise gifts I am to receive. This is not me, only what I have allowed to transcend and evolve. I wish only to pass on the beauty of the moment and accept the sludge I must wade through. Oh what a glorious tale.

Some days are harder that others. Chris and I sit down to talk about the logistics of moving into a yurt. We have 3 weeks to finish remodeling the house where we are currently living; we need at least 7 weeks. We need money to pay bills. Thankfully Chris has work the next few weeks and has even sold a couple propane drums. We need to pack, pitch and sort through all that we have stored in this 3 bedroom ranch. I’m terrified of the basement. We have rented a Studio for us to use as a “home base” and office through this transition period. I have great visions for this space, and have already started planning a community calendar of events. There is not enough time in the day. And above all we don’t know if we can really live in the yurt that was originally our savior. There are many problems with our plan. Many questions that need answers. From basics such as how do we wash dishes to how do we power our laptops. Are toilets really that important?

Chris needs answers and I can’t deal with problems right now. I want to focus on the possibilities not be dragged down by reality. This is not my reality!! I become defensive and question his desire to go through with our plan. Maybe he doesn’t really want to do this at all. Maybe he wants the extras I’m asking him to give up. I struggle to clear the fog of self doubt, while I acknowledging that Chris’s worries are valid. Can we find solutions to these problems or am I watching my dreams go up in smoke? I crave the absence of electronic hum as well as the servitude of our current life. It is FEAR, but do I fear moving forward or fear falling back into the abyss of this consumerism. I feel my chest tighten and try to focus on deep, slow breaths. It’s like a drug that you’re not sure you can live without. Maybe that’s what I truly fear….my own self control. Chris suggests a longer integration period. I don’t work like that. Just stop consuming and keep walking. Don’t look back, or you’ll regret what you left behind. Maybe you’ll miss the broken chair you always wanted to fix, the pair of shoes that your never got to wear, or even the tv.

Separating trash from treasure that’s the stage we’re at. I hauled 6 large trash bags full of clothes plus a box of dishes to the swap shop this weekend. It doesn’t even feel like I put a dent. I am desperately trying to stay in the present while planing for the future. What do I, we the boys need? Is it more than I want it to be or can adjustments be made? There is so much to absorb and deflect all at the same time! Chris fears by jumping in too fast, we will become frustrated and take it out on one another. Instead of having more time, will there be less. I fear being sucked back in to meaningless rat race. That all being said I am sure of one thing.

I love my husband and am extremely thankful that he is a patient and loving man. We are going to need lots of that! Stretch and breathe. This is my journey. This is my lesson. I will show up, sit at the front of the class and take notes.