YurtTrash

As I take a deep breath in, I reflect on the past few months. The decision was made to put “the house” on the market THIS FALL. And although we thought it better to wait until next spring, our voices have gone the way of our ideas…unheard or disregarded. So we proceeded to face this daunting task with absolutely no motivation.

We found a house to rent starting August 1st, thankful to have a whole month to get moved and everything cleaned up before Sept 1, which was the date we were given to be out of the house. I can’t stress how COMPLETELY drained Chris and I where at this point. The end was in sight, but it did NOT look pretty. It wasn’t long before we were bombarded with new dates and lists of the who, what, when and of course how much. Know you might think that moving our “need to be out” date up to Aug 15th, would be something that was discussed, but once again what we thought did not matter. The cherry on top was when August 1 came around and the REALTOR called to inform me that herself, a handful of contractors as well as my in-laws where going to be at my house THAT AFTERNOON! What?! Am I the only one that thinks that maybe THE DAY we are trying to move out of a house is not the day people should be meeting at the house to LOOK AT IT! It just seems inappropriate to me. In my mind, I should have gotten a call from my in-laws saying, “Hey, can we take the boys to help you get moved?”, but that didn’t happen. And just for the record I had asked if they could take the boys for a little while to help us move, but they were unable to do that. This was unlike anything I have ever experienced. We were not even given the opportunity to clean up…every deadline they set, they disregarded until we finally said the hell with it…with complete control comes complete responsibility! We were set up to fail because what was expected of us was impossible. All we were left to do was play possum.

There was no communication by either side because we have no common ground. Our beliefs and values are so different that we are all right and wrong ALL at the same time. I do know for sure that in their eyes we were wrong. I must accept this so that I can move on without resentment. I do want to be clear, I’m not accepting their reality as anything, but “their reality”, how they need to see it. I am accepting that nothing we do or say will change the roles they have given us. We will become the kids that they “tried” to help…oh look at all the nice things they did for us…Chris has been called “full of shit” and belittled because he listens to “those conspiracy nut jobs” (this does not even touch on how completely disrespectful they have been regarding his professional recommendations) …and in their reality this all may be true. There comes a time when you understand that if you don’t take every last bit of a situation and digest it…well, let’s just say I did not want to revisit this one if I could help it.

I feel the need to say I love my husband and adore my two beautiful boys. I am truly blessed. Everyone is so much lighter and happier in the new house, and the last few weeks have been spent doing some “us time”. We need less commitments and more time together. We have just spent 3 years with very few (maybe a handful) of days TOGETHER, which is not enough to keep a family healthy. No family time was compounded by us always being on the losing side of every decision. For the first time in my life, I feel as if I have just come out of an abusive relationship. The kind that leaves bruises on the inside, where no one can see. I believe that ALL of Us have something to learn from this situation, but it has been a very painful process. There is so much to lose, but right now I must focus on the gain…our sanity, our health. We have been in battle for the last 3 years, and I am so thankful to be moving into a time of peace and harmony…(we actually moved onto Harmony Lane…no joke!)

We have crossed into a new time and space where we get to look beyond the constraints of the past. I set forth a ritual of letting go of the expectations, the sorrow, the anger, the disappointment. I choose to honor each of these as my teacher, and release them. I bury my broken heart beneath this Hawthorne, so it may be mended and reborn. I do this as a symbol of my openness for the present and future, and the forgiveness of the past. I will sit with this tree and ask for it’s guidance. I will be quiet. I will listen.

We have come here to learn, but are easily distracted by the drama we create. So this is my plan. I am taking this next year to heal and nourish. One year that we get to do what WE want to do. I let go of the fear of making the right decision. It comes from a “knowing” that if you make it yourself it is always the right decision. It may not be easy, but at least you haven’t compromised yourself.
I want this blog to be a reflection of my path. The earth has always called to me. It’s who I am…it’s who I strive to be.

Special thanks to those who have helped us find our way through this rough patch of sea!

What happens when this public blog becomes private? For those of you who have blogs of your own or even post personal details of your life through various social media platforms, I wonder how you view privacy in this public domain. I was recently contacted by a family member that I have not spoken to in years…turns out she has been reading my blog! Is blogging now a tool for families that have lost their way? I wonder how it looks from the outside, and I think of the phrase “airing my dirty laundry”. I suppose after so many years of “worrying” what people think, I invite people to participate in my world of discovery. I do my best to speak the truth without judging it or anyone involved. Of course, some days I do this better than others (that’s just my human side showing through). I wonder if some wounds will ever heal, or if we will be trapped in this dead-end of blame and misinterpretation.

the pain to stay the same must be greater than the pain to change

Sometimes all you can do is go THROUGH IT to get to the other side.
We don’t always know what we are learning, but there is always a lesson to be learned…Maybe it’s just letting go of your own expectations. I find the word acceptance creeping into my head whenever I search for reasons. That’s the funny thing about accepting one’s life for what it is…you don’t have to know why it is, just that IT IS.
There are a lot of hard choices in life, but it’s the day to day choices that really matter. Somethings should not be put off…like calling that friend that you just can’t get out of your head.
For me, it all comes down to balance and accepting that I simply can not do ALL that I want to do…Accepting this means you have failed to accomplish what you set out to do, but maybe what you set out to do wasn’t the important part of it after all. Just a thought:)

Dear In-Laws,
Just wanted to do a quick summary of our meeting last night.

*You will consult with June McCall to verify the state of the local real estate market. We all agreed that to sell the Blueberry property right now would result in a loss for all parties involved. A unilateral decision was made that Chris and I would resume mortgage payments and we would wait for the market to improve.

*Chris and I will resume paying the mortgage as of May 08. I would like to propose that we pay you $2000/month to go toward paying off our loans to you. With this money you can pay the mortgage and still use the mortgage payments on YOUR taxes. By my calculations we could finish paying off all our debt to you Jan 09. I think that it is vital that this debt is repaid ASAP for everyone involved. At the point that the debt is paid in full, we will continue paying the mortgage as a write-off for our taxes.

*Chris will contact Ikea to sort out the part shortage and possibility of returning the countertops.

*Chris and I will finish the 2nd bathroom and kitchen remodels, interior & exterior painting, and general maintenance of the property. This will ensure that when the market improves, we will be ready to sell the house.

*You have hired someone to do a spring clean-up, as well as apply fertilizer and grass seeds for Summer 08. I understand that the cost of the lawn maintenance for the previous years was high and that money is tight. As was offered the previous years, Chris and I are willing and able to do this ourselves in order to get a greater return on our investment. Please let us know what EXACTLY is expected of us, in order to prevent future misunderstandings.

*It is our understanding that our responsibilities in regards to the lawn is watering and mowing.

*Let us be extremely clear…Under no circumstance is anyone to apply pesticides or herbicides to the lawn while we are living here. There is absolutely no good reason to dump more toxins into our water source!

Thank you,
Chris and Kari

An eco-village is where I want to be. I don’t want to convert people. I just want to live with the peace of knowing that I am doing the best I can. Modeling my vision of the future! Teaching my children how to live in a peaceful way. To be conscious of what we do and say. To do this I must accept that I am not perfect and I slip everyday. Forgiveness and no judgement.

Like so many other people, I struggle with where to begin. On my quest, I have found some great links helping Real people address the Real issues. It’s inspiring to know people ARE out there making a difference! They are consciously trying to find their way in this world. With this in mind, I must direct your attention to WhitScott.com. He asks “Am I sustainable? Are you?”, which is a question we ALL need to ask. I adore the idea of listing ways that we are “Killing the earth/Saving the earth”.

Ways I am killing the earth
• I drive a car.
• I buy food from the Super Market…not so super.
• We burn wood for heat.
• We have 3 computers that are always ON.

Ways I am saving the earth
• I don’t use plastic bags.
• I very rarely buy new clothes.
• I am a recycling NUT.
• Raising consciousness…I sure hope:)
• I grow my own medicines:)

Ways I WILL be saving the earth
• I am joining a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture).
• I am going to start riding my bike to work.
• I WILL Compost!

I watched this GREAT movie about reducing our consumption…WATCH THIS!!

So here are some ways I am going to reduce my consumption by 10%
• Stop buying plastic bottles.
• Capture and use rain water.
• Hang dry our laundry

With all this in mind, I know that the only way we can make a difference is to have the strength to stand up and be counted. I write to be counted as one who gives a shit!

Everyday is a practice. Everyday is another try. Wake up in the morning with excitement for what is ahead of me instead of the dread that surrounds me. To enjoy is the secret. Find love within the smallest crumb. It is magic…all of it.

Just Because:)
The Sustainable Table
Mother Earth News
Eco Child’s Play- Green Parenting

The more I know, the more I know I DON’T know!!

Clasping to the earth, the roots dig down past the decaying mass that was once a pine cone. They twist and turn searching…going sideways slightly before turning towards the core. They find their way around the various obstacles searching for depth…for nourishment…for stability. So much of this is rarely seen unless they are ripped from their beloved earth.

Throughout our lives, we connect with those that surround us. These “root systems” offer support from the winds of life, as well as bind us together. As I search for where I want my roots to go,…who and what I wish to tether myself to… I understand why sending out a multitude of rootlets is so important. By sending out 100 roots, I can stand to loose a few and not compromise my stability. For me, maintaining a balance is essential.

Right now I have roots…I must focus on the now and not worry about the tomorrows. They will come, but until they do I don’t know what they will hold. All we have is now. Right now all I must do is write and breathe. My lesson is in the now so I must be present, for THIS will not last. I have so much to love and give. This space is truly amazing and I need to focus on that. Let go of the drama of the future. Let go of the illusion that we have any control over any of this. Let go of what others might think or say. What truly matters in this moment in time is that I accept that which has been given to me. Acceptance without regret or resentment. Simply accept. There are no “whys” that will bring clarity, only more questions that take too much time to answer. Somehow even the answers, when you do find them, only bring more questions. Thus…stop looking for answers or solutions. Just live right now with grace and acceptance that everyday is another breath that is both sweet and bitter. Love and be loved if only for a second. It may be the most meaningful second of your life.