Some days are harder that others. Chris and I sit down to talk about the logistics of moving into a yurt. We have 3 weeks to finish remodeling the house where we are currently living; we need at least 7 weeks. We need money to pay bills. Thankfully Chris has work the next few weeks and has even sold a couple propane drums. We need to pack, pitch and sort through all that we have stored in this 3 bedroom ranch. I’m terrified of the basement. We have rented a Studio for us to use as a “home base” and office through this transition period. I have great visions for this space, and have already started planning a community calendar of events. There is not enough time in the day. And above all we don’t know if we can really live in the yurt that was originally our savior. There are many problems with our plan. Many questions that need answers. From basics such as how do we wash dishes to how do we power our laptops. Are toilets really that important?
Chris needs answers and I can’t deal with problems right now. I want to focus on the possibilities not be dragged down by reality. This is not my reality!! I become defensive and question his desire to go through with our plan. Maybe he doesn’t really want to do this at all. Maybe he wants the extras I’m asking him to give up. I struggle to clear the fog of self doubt, while I acknowledging that Chris’s worries are valid. Can we find solutions to these problems or am I watching my dreams go up in smoke? I crave the absence of electronic hum as well as the servitude of our current life. It is FEAR, but do I fear moving forward or fear falling back into the abyss of this consumerism. I feel my chest tighten and try to focus on deep, slow breaths. It’s like a drug that you’re not sure you can live without. Maybe that’s what I truly fear….my own self control. Chris suggests a longer integration period. I don’t work like that. Just stop consuming and keep walking. Don’t look back, or you’ll regret what you left behind. Maybe you’ll miss the broken chair you always wanted to fix, the pair of shoes that your never got to wear, or even the tv.
Separating trash from treasure that’s the stage we’re at. I hauled 6 large trash bags full of clothes plus a box of dishes to the swap shop this weekend. It doesn’t even feel like I put a dent. I am desperately trying to stay in the present while planing for the future. What do I, we the boys need? Is it more than I want it to be or can adjustments be made? There is so much to absorb and deflect all at the same time! Chris fears by jumping in too fast, we will become frustrated and take it out on one another. Instead of having more time, will there be less. I fear being sucked back in to meaningless rat race. That all being said I am sure of one thing.
I love my husband and am extremely thankful that he is a patient and loving man. We are going to need lots of that! Stretch and breathe. This is my journey. This is my lesson. I will show up, sit at the front of the class and take notes.