YurtTrash

discovering myself requires honesty
not enough
loving myself takes courage
not enough
letting go of the judgement
letting go of the control
not enough

we are one, yet separate
two different beings
two shapes that have come together
still separate, yet one
searching, searching, searching
hoping, hoping
always hoping
sifting through the darkness for what only needs light
it needs not judgement
it requires no fixing
so I put away my hammer and use only my light

in the darkness of wonder
the unknown takes a breath
it speaks to the light as an old friend
we all knew each other once
we all knew ourselves with our first breath
from inside we still call
speak of beauty
speak of grace
speak of letting go
and falling into the comfort of the unknown
that was once known

this is my story
our story
it is one of wonder and creation
we are what we create if only we allow it to be
step aside and love no matter the pain
no matter the pleasure of what we know be now of the unknown
that was once known to us
speak now to yourself
that is all of us

love yourself
as you would that small child
as it takes it’s first breath
for this is your first breath in this brave new world
one that has been here all along
This is our test that will stand for all time
This is our hour to shine that light we must believe we have
look to the darkness
for it follows the light
as it has since it’s own creation

our being is proof enough
that we are enough
you are enough
I am enough
we are enough if we
can just let go and be enough
it’s a choice that we all must make
to come together as ONE.

Are you ready?

The search for the unknown often begins when you don’t even know that you’re searching.  For me it was  as a child, in an enormous sanctuary , with 30 foot tall windows that covered the length of two full walls.  There was definitely something magical about that space.  I know that they were there…floating, high above, close to the ceiling.  I have no detailed explanation of what they looked like or even how many were there.  I don’t know if anyone else even knew they were there, but I imagine most of the congregation was too focused on the preacher and his weekly inspirational sermon.  Connecting with them was like peace…light and free and the purest emotion of love one could imagine.  It was all the praying that brought them.  Their desire was to connect with the lost souls that dutifully came ever Sunday in search of some comfort from their earthly woes.  I wonder what would have happened if we had all just been silent and allowed them to speak.  Would it have been like “talking to angles”.  I sat there filled with a calm, not knowing why or what was happening.  It was just another Sunday, but it was the most peace I ever found in a sanctuary of God. 

As the years past, I was consumed by the hypocrisy of religion and those that worshipped beside me.  How could they claim to be servants of God and whisper such horrible things about their neighbors.  Everyone so eager to throw the first stone.  As connected as I had felt with the spirits in the sanctuary, I was equally disconnected with the real life people that surrounded me.  And then there was the idea of every other religion being wrong and mine being right.  Fear and ego seemed to dominate the scene. 

I needed more than faith to sort this out, so I set forth on my own exploration of what religion meant to me.  For years I searched for someone else with the answer.  What I finally realized is that what I had found as a young girl, WAS the answer.  I had known the truth all along, but didn’t trust in my own knowing.  The reason that I always felt a direct connection to God was because I was God and He was me and even more so we are all ONE no matter what name we put on it.

So my struggle at this point is how to express this truth so others may understand that it’s okay if they don’t share this belief with me. I must believe that we will all find our own way to where we need to be. And I pray we can simply share some love for one another along the way.

Is there anything more important today?

And sometimes I am just plain wrong. I don’t like this, but it is still true. I have thought for years that if I just try hard enough that I can get it all right. This of course is an illusion that I have created for myself. I would like to thank my father for always asking for “more”, and say I take responsibility for my own beliefs. At some point one must understand that sometimes “more” is “less”.

I find it quite easy to say “I’m sorry”, which is my way out of admitting that I was wrong. It’s vague enough that most people don’t notice that I really didn’t admit to anything except that I am sorry that you can’t be right because that it a position reserved for me, and me alone. In theory, I would love to share that space with others, but it is hard work… always being right.

As you may already know, illusions are hard to shed. One reason for this is that, most of the time we don’t even recognize them for what they truly are…an attachment that is only holding us back from what we might become. I don’t want to hold myself back anymore, tied to the belief that mistakes are a sign of weakness. To make a mistake, just means that I’m not done. There is still more to learn and share. I am struck with the idea that if we let go of what we think we need to be, we can become what we already are…enough.

this post is dedicated to my loving husband…my greatest teacher:)

As I take a deep breath in, I reflect on the past few months. The decision was made to put “the house” on the market THIS FALL. And although we thought it better to wait until next spring, our voices have gone the way of our ideas…unheard or disregarded. So we proceeded to face this daunting task with absolutely no motivation.

We found a house to rent starting August 1st, thankful to have a whole month to get moved and everything cleaned up before Sept 1, which was the date we were given to be out of the house. I can’t stress how COMPLETELY drained Chris and I where at this point. The end was in sight, but it did NOT look pretty. It wasn’t long before we were bombarded with new dates and lists of the who, what, when and of course how much. Know you might think that moving our “need to be out” date up to Aug 15th, would be something that was discussed, but once again what we thought did not matter. The cherry on top was when August 1 came around and the REALTOR called to inform me that herself, a handful of contractors as well as my in-laws where going to be at my house THAT AFTERNOON! What?! Am I the only one that thinks that maybe THE DAY we are trying to move out of a house is not the day people should be meeting at the house to LOOK AT IT! It just seems inappropriate to me. In my mind, I should have gotten a call from my in-laws saying, “Hey, can we take the boys to help you get moved?”, but that didn’t happen. And just for the record I had asked if they could take the boys for a little while to help us move, but they were unable to do that. This was unlike anything I have ever experienced. We were not even given the opportunity to clean up…every deadline they set, they disregarded until we finally said the hell with it…with complete control comes complete responsibility! We were set up to fail because what was expected of us was impossible. All we were left to do was play possum.

There was no communication by either side because we have no common ground. Our beliefs and values are so different that we are all right and wrong ALL at the same time. I do know for sure that in their eyes we were wrong. I must accept this so that I can move on without resentment. I do want to be clear, I’m not accepting their reality as anything, but “their reality”, how they need to see it. I am accepting that nothing we do or say will change the roles they have given us. We will become the kids that they “tried” to help…oh look at all the nice things they did for us…Chris has been called “full of shit” and belittled because he listens to “those conspiracy nut jobs” (this does not even touch on how completely disrespectful they have been regarding his professional recommendations) …and in their reality this all may be true. There comes a time when you understand that if you don’t take every last bit of a situation and digest it…well, let’s just say I did not want to revisit this one if I could help it.

I feel the need to say I love my husband and adore my two beautiful boys. I am truly blessed. Everyone is so much lighter and happier in the new house, and the last few weeks have been spent doing some “us time”. We need less commitments and more time together. We have just spent 3 years with very few (maybe a handful) of days TOGETHER, which is not enough to keep a family healthy. No family time was compounded by us always being on the losing side of every decision. For the first time in my life, I feel as if I have just come out of an abusive relationship. The kind that leaves bruises on the inside, where no one can see. I believe that ALL of Us have something to learn from this situation, but it has been a very painful process. There is so much to lose, but right now I must focus on the gain…our sanity, our health. We have been in battle for the last 3 years, and I am so thankful to be moving into a time of peace and harmony…(we actually moved onto Harmony Lane…no joke!)

We have crossed into a new time and space where we get to look beyond the constraints of the past. I set forth a ritual of letting go of the expectations, the sorrow, the anger, the disappointment. I choose to honor each of these as my teacher, and release them. I bury my broken heart beneath this Hawthorne, so it may be mended and reborn. I do this as a symbol of my openness for the present and future, and the forgiveness of the past. I will sit with this tree and ask for it’s guidance. I will be quiet. I will listen.

We have come here to learn, but are easily distracted by the drama we create. So this is my plan. I am taking this next year to heal and nourish. One year that we get to do what WE want to do. I let go of the fear of making the right decision. It comes from a “knowing” that if you make it yourself it is always the right decision. It may not be easy, but at least you haven’t compromised yourself.
I want this blog to be a reflection of my path. The earth has always called to me. It’s who I am…it’s who I strive to be.

Special thanks to those who have helped us find our way through this rough patch of sea!

packaging on 12seconds.tv
This is a video I posted on 12seconds, which is a brilliant new online video platform. What could you say in 12seconds?

What happens when this public blog becomes private? For those of you who have blogs of your own or even post personal details of your life through various social media platforms, I wonder how you view privacy in this public domain. I was recently contacted by a family member that I have not spoken to in years…turns out she has been reading my blog! Is blogging now a tool for families that have lost their way? I wonder how it looks from the outside, and I think of the phrase “airing my dirty laundry”. I suppose after so many years of “worrying” what people think, I invite people to participate in my world of discovery. I do my best to speak the truth without judging it or anyone involved. Of course, some days I do this better than others (that’s just my human side showing through). I wonder if some wounds will ever heal, or if we will be trapped in this dead-end of blame and misinterpretation.

the pain to stay the same must be greater than the pain to change

Me, Phoenix and Charlie are headed for Washington State, so stay tuned to hear all our exciting adventures:)

So I was hanging out with some friends last night and my friend Fiz asked, “What is up with the US elections?”, which started a phread that I found truly fascinating. As each person tried to explain US elections, I was amazed at the common understanding of the state of the US government. With so much going on around us, I have retreated into a state of acceptance. I am gripped by the reality of being one in a land of many, maybe the many are not so completely oblivious. Thanks for all the great replies. It’s like a US government CLASS!
Oh, the video is from Phreadz.com, a multimedia video conversation platform (and so much more!) that is currently in it’s closed beetroot version…
There has been a lot of people anxious to take a peek, so if you are interested email Kosso at the e-mail listed below. If you are interested in investing in a man with amazing talent and vision e-mail Kosso at info at phreadz dot com.

I just loved this so much I wanted to share it with you…hope you like it:)